Morning Motivation: Take One Risk Today

Morning Motivation: Take One Risk Today

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Clear Your Saturday, I’ve Got Your Plans Right Here. Two Words: Shrek. Fest.


Back in 2014 the internet gave birth to something magical: Shrekfest. Although it started out as a joke it didn’t take long for it to become a real live event, because, well, who isn’t passionate about Shrek. So, in that same year, comedy troupe 3GI Industries organized the first official Shrekfest in Milwaukee, WI. In the years since, it’s become an internationally beloved event (remaining completely free to the public) that includes live music, various contests, and a screening of Shrek.

And although large social gatherings are impossible right now, the team behind the event wasn’t about to let that stop all the Shrek-tivities.

3GI Industries is bringing Shrekfest back to its roots — the internet.

Clear Your Saturday, I’ve Got Your Plans Right Here. Two Words: Shrek. Fest.
Clear Your Saturday, I’ve Got Your Plans Right Here. Two Words: Shrek. Fest.

This year’s festival will occur entirely on Twitch, where fans from all over the world can watch and participate while safely socially distanced in their own swamps. And! Earlier in the year, 3GI asked fans to submit their own artwork, music, and films, which will be showcased in the festival. AND! Along with a chance to win various prizes, they will be offering exclusive merch, with proceeds going to various social justice programs and organizations. AND! The livestream event will be capped off in a very special way, with a screening of the equal-parts crazy and amazing scene-for-scene remake, Shrek Retold.

If this is your first time hearing about Shrek Retold, buckle up — you’re in for a treat. Like… like an LSD-laced cupcake. That kind of treat.


Get your best ogre-face on, Shrekfest 2020 streams on Twitch this Saturday, September 19, all day long.


RVs are Like America On Wheels (But With a Bathroom)

RVs are Like America On Wheels (But With a Bathroom)

Americans, hop into the RV! Gorv is ready to get behind the wheel and steer our country in the most important direction—forward. Although just to be clear he can also reverse the RV, that’s not a problem. It’s just that most politicians usually talk about moving forward, and you also drive in a forward direction. But sometimes you also have to make a right or left or go around a bend, so that’s not perfect.

Ok so to recap, Gorv is going to steer the country mostly forward, except while taking turns or backing out of a space, at which point he will use his best judgment.

Wow, metaphors really are harder than you think.

Ode to Kathy Bates

Ode To Kathy Bates

My darling Kathy, my shining star.

I’ve watched in awe on screens, near and far.

You nabbed the Oscar in Ninety-one,

Long before Adam Sandler played your son.

A career unmatched, with style to boot.

An angel on earth in a pantsuit

In Fried Green Tomatoes, you stole my heart

Wrapped nude in cellophane – a work of art!

You looked at your vagina with a hand mirror

Taught us all menopause is nothing to fear.

That gorgeous red perm, still such a serve.

I’m afraid at this point, I sound a bit like a perv.

To that, dear Kathy, I’ve just one thing to say:

Never fear, by now it’s clear, I’m incredibly gay.

In About Schmidt, you bared your breasts

Floating in a hot tub, a supple feast of flesh.

In Titanic, you stunned as the unsinkable Molly Brown.

With hats like that, no iceberg could take you down.

And now you’ve cut your hair so short, gone completely grey.

Traded pantsuits for kaftans, what more can I say?

My stunning Kathy, I think of you night and day.

But it’s not weird at all, remember: I’m gay.

Ode to Kathy Bates
Ode to Kathy Bates

CREDITS

Creator, Writer & Actor: Joel Burns

Producer & Director: Tamara Yajia

Editor: Paul Smith

Jim Carrey Is SNL’s New Joe Biden. Get Ready, Jack!

Jim Carrey Is SNL’s New Joe Biden. Get Ready, Jack!

Since the start of the coronavirus pandemic and the shutdown of regularly functioning society, the days have all kind of blurred together. There hasn’t been a single morning where I’ve woken up confident about what day it is in probably a month. Thankfully there are still a few markers to help us perceive the passage of time, like when my landlord stops ignoring all my text messages asking if I’m ever going to get the mailbox that’s included in my lease in order to remind me it’s the first of the month so fork over the rent, and, more pleasantly, the return of Saturday Night Live.

October 3 marks the beginning of season 46 (so, next month. It’s September, by the way) and today, we all got some exciting updates on what’s to come.

Before we get into it, though — it’s important to note that SNL is working with Governor Cuomo and other officials to ensure everyone is safe and within the proper COVID safety guidelines.

First, there will be three new folks joining the roster along with the entire cast from last season. Comic and former staff writer Andrew Dismukes, comedian and actor Lauren Holt, and comedian and writer Punkie Johnson. Secondly, they’re bringing in another comedian you may have heard of — Jim Carrey. He’s pretty funny, I think he’s gonna be big someday. Jim Carrey will join this season to play Joe Biden, a role that’s been passed between Jason Sudeikis, John Mulaney, and Woody Harrelson.

If anyone can capture the chaotic, “where the heck am I, Jack”-ness of Biden, it’s Jim Carrey, and with Alec Baldwin and Maya Rudolph returning to play Trump and Kamala Harris, respectively, this is definitely a season to get excited about.


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Orcas Are Here To Kick Ass And Chew Gum, And They’re All Out Of Gum


Nature has been lashing out in a big way for all of 2020 and it’s not slowing down anytime soon. First the global pandemic, then we got hit with a string of crazy weather phenomena, like wildfires raging in California after literally 12,000 lightning strikes and multiple hurricanes on the east coast that were a hair away from combining into one giant hurricane, and now, apparently, even the animals want to beef.

Over the last couple months, sailors along the coasts of Spain and Portugal have reported a pod (or pods) of orcas ramming their boats, in some cases to the point of actually breaking off rudders and causing injury to the people on board — and a crew member one of these vessels said the “attacks” felt completely orca-strated.*

* This is definitely my joke and not what someone else came up with on Twitter
Orcas Are Here To Kick Ass And Chew Gum, And They’re All Out Of Gum

Although the evidence suggests the orcas are deliberately and methodically beating the hell out of boats, according to The Guardian, scientists and researchers say it’s too early to understand what’s going on with this “concerning” behavior. Which is, of course, a crock of shit. I know exactly what’s going on and I’ll tell you for free right now.

We fucking suck. We have sucked so much for so long, and the whales have had enough.

Listen. It might be a tough pill to swallow but it’s the truth. We’ve been destroying the oceans and dumping our shit all over the planet like an 8-year-old with no manners throwing ketchup around a Waffle House, and we’ve been doing this for, like, a while. Humans haven’t even been around that long but we’ve been gross pretty much right out of the gate (Europeans used to literally throw their poop out their windows into the streets. That’s who colonized the world. Those fucking guys.) and the last couple hundred years have been dominated by industrialization and mega-corporations that have wreaked such incredible havok in such a short amount of time, it would almost be impressive if it wasn’t, y’know, the fate of the world at stake. And, on a more personal note for the whales, come on — we’ve all seen The Cove and Blackfish.

Name one good thing we’ve done for whales lately. Try it. You can’t.

So, no, I don’t need to wait for scientists to analyze the recent behavior of orcas, it’s pretty clear. They’re not dumb. Quite the contrary. We’ve taken all their fish, we put them through goddamn Seaworld, so they’ve organized, and now they’re seeking vengeance. The whales are here to beat the shit out of us. And, honestly? Good for them. This is a perfect example of what we have dubbed “self care”, and I, for one, congratulate and welcome our new orca overlords.

A Gentleman’s Guide To Purchasing Illegal Drugs

A Gentleman’s Guide To Purchasing Illegal Drugs

When purchasing consumer products, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when procuring that good shit.


First, determine which manner of illicit drug you wish to imbibe by hiring a peasant boy to try every narcotic, stimulant, and psychotropic on the market.


Carefully observe each substance’s effect on the young street urchin – whichever puts him in the gayest mood, and does not kill him, is the drug for you. I have decided to go with sniffing salts, aka “cocaine.”


Have the street boy arrested for soliciting illegal drugs. Poor people should not break the law.


Next, you’ll need to find a Drugsmith, also known as a “dealer.” Do not go with any of the dealers used by your urchin boy, however, as he is a felon and therefore untrustworthy.


In order to secure a proper Drugsmith, you must first officially announce your intention to buy drugs. Do this by throwing a large gala at your home, country club or polo grounds.


To command the attention of potential drug-sellers in attendance, clink your teaspoon against a brandy snifter exactly three times, curtsey, then say the words “I am interested in purchasing illegal drugs.”


At this point, the drugsmiths will line up by height, and each will be given five minutes to pitch his wares. Each drugsmith will try his best to woo you with fleeting glances, weekend trips to the country, and whispered promises of “the good shit,” but only you can decide which peddler is right for you.


Once you’ve selected your drugsmith, it is customary to introduce him to your parents. If they approve of his upbringing, where he attended grad school, and how many horses he owns, you may proceed with your drug deal.


Before receiving the drugs, you must now convince your drugsmith that you are not a “narc.” A narc is an impish knave who seduces drugsmiths into thinking he is chill and down to smoke or do blow, but, in actuality, he is a policeman in disguise. If your drugsmith asks “Are you a cop?”, you should respond by reciting the following limerick:

“A cop is fop and I must decree / I am no more a cop than I am a tree! / for a tree’s made of wood and a cop just bacon / I am down as a clown, sir, and I ain’t fakin’!”

If that doesn’t work, just say “I am not a cop.”


Next, your drugsmith will ask you what denomination of drugs you would like to purchase. Illegal drugs are typically doled out in the following denominations: one lump, two lumps, a bushel, a peck, or a carriage-load.


Once you have purchased your desired amount of sniffing salts, smoking soils or shooting savories, you may bid farewell to your drugsmith with a gentle kiss on the forehead.


Now, immediately throw your newly-purchased bag of drugs into the nearest trashcan. Illegal drug-buying is done merely for sport In high society, and it is seen as uncouth to ingest one’s own score. If one still wishes to get fucked up, he simply eats a bunch of prescription pills, like a gentleman.


Remembering Bunya

DrMrsBunnyMom and daughter are allergic to cats and dogs. However, daughter dear really wanted a fuzzy, cuddly pet, as opposed to the son’s reptiles. Around the holidays, we had actually talked about it some, considering it.

I don’t recall exactly how I found out. My daughter may have pegged me as the weak link when she brought me down to the basement (where her bedroom was) and showed me this little fluffster she “rescued” from a pet store for $5; he’d been in a tiny cage all by himself, away from the other bunnies.

We knew NOTHING about rabbits.

First two actions:
1. Return to the scene of the crime and find out what supplies he needed.
This was STUPID MISTAKE #1.
Sadly, rabbits are a pet stores way to sell you a bunch of GARBAGE. I do not know the level of knowledge they have about the dogs and cats they sell, but they know squat about rabbits. They sold us a little cage that might have been okay for transport but NOT to live in “for the rest of his life”. The food they sold us was awful and the “treats” they sold us with seeds and yogurt could be DEADLY to a rabbit.
2. Take the bunny for a vet visit. We really lucked out here. We didn’t know that you need a rabbit-savvy exotics vet for a bunny, not just a dog and cat vet. The vet in our neighborhood was exactly what we needed. Bunya was healthy, we were given educational materials about rabbits, and scheduled his snip for when he was old enough.
In his first days, when we knew less than nothing, Bunya would sit perched on daughter’s shoulder like a pirate parrot and watch her on her computer. One time when he had to go potty, she held him over her trash can, and he put out poops like he was a Pez dispenser run amok. But all into the can. She wanted him to keep her company in her bed but Bunya liked to pee there, so that was short-lived.
Six months later, daughter left for college.
Bunya did not.
Since he was now my bunny, I started learning more than our misinformation from the pet store and the literature from the vet. Thank you, internet. I always felt badly about the tiny cage from the pet store and he got increasingly larger quarters as I read more and found them online. We always housed him inside as a house rabbit, so at least we got that right.
Remembering Bunya
Little baby Bunya “helping” me with an annual mailing to my clients.
Eventually, I purchased a chain link fence dog pen that was about 7’x7′ and assembled it inside the house. That’s the one that stuck. Although the gate was mostly open so he could roam around, that was still his safe space and he would hang out in there. His original cage, to which he was still attached, was a litter box for a while, before we put it away for good.

Remembering Bunya
This is a recent iteration of the bunnies’ pen.
Over the years. we bought castles, ramps, towers, tunnels,
a fun house with a digging section, an elevated bed, and much more,
from bunny auctions or the Hop Shop to support rabbit rescues like
The Georgia House Rabbit Society.
From time to time, we would rearrange the furniture
and change out the rugs.

Bunya was a solo bun for about 1-2 years, so he became used to humans. More research led to learning about how social bunnies were and I came across the The Georgia House Rabbit SocietyLearned about bonding bunnies and adoption. Lucy & Ethel were added to the mix.
Our bunnies taught us so much. I love animals and have had several over the years, dogs, cats… but hadn’t really thought about bunnies… such different and distinct personalities. Who knew about binkies and NASbunny/zoomies/Buntona 500!?
Ethel would love on everybunny and was an escape artist, our own Bundini. We were never sure if she was deaf or just had selective hearing. In her later years, she would run circles around my recliner, thumping for treats.
Lucy was a fearless explorer, the  most likely to get into mischief and be found in unexpected places when you walked into the room. She could also read minds if your thought was “I’m going to pick up Lucy”. You didn’t need to look at her or say anything, just think it – and she was gone. One of her favorite hiding places was in the corner of the room under a heavy (immovable) desk, where we could not reach her.

Bunya was the alpha and the brains of the group – so smart! He could even tell time, which always amazed us.

Remembering Bunya

Bunya got poopy butt, which we determined was from vegetables as a regular part of his diet. Bunya became a hay bunny. Well, a hay-and-treats bunny. We had a bout or two of stasis over the years, but Bunya was a champ at taking his medicine.
Love the tongue and cheek action

Bunya became an old man, and lost his sight to cataracts. We got a stuffed bunny to try to have a “third”, something for the last bunny to snuggle up to and recall old companions. Bunya and Ethel didn’t really take to it, but it’s all I have left.
Remembering Bunya
By my recliner.
Ethel would stand there, staring,
thumping, or pooping for treats.
Bunya would pancake there while
I scritched his head, ears, and cheeks.
This is what
it looks like now.

As I said, they never really liked the stuffie and just kept snuggling with each other – all the time (unless there was a treat involved and Ethel would leave Bunya’s butt in the dust).

We thought Bunya would go before Ethel, but he was here first… and he was with us last.

Remembering Bunya
Miss you, Mr. B
A few posts from over the years:

Sam Elliott Is Family Guy’s New Mayor

Sam Elliott Is Family Guy’s New Mayor

Seth MacFarlane’s Family Guy has been on-air for 21 years, which is definitely long enough to develop some truly unforgettable characters (and make all of us feel old as hell upon learning just how many years it’s been, yeesh). Although we’ve all got our own personal favorites, there’s one that was thoroughly beloved by all: Mayor Adam West.

The enigmatic and delightfully unhinged caricature of himself that Adam West portrayed in over 100 episodes of Family Guy was undoubtedly the best ongoing cameo in the series, and his death in 2017 was a tragic loss felt deeply by fans, crew, and cast alike.

So, since 2018 the position of Mayor of Quahog has remained empty — but that’s about to change.

Buckle up, there’s a new man in charge, and it’s none other than Sam Elliott.

Sam, in all his moustached and voice-so-deep-the-soundwave-is-a-flat-line glory, will play the new Mayor of Quahog, and the late Adam West’s cousin. Although the animated character will look exactly like Sam Elliott (as is right and just) his first and middle name are Wild. Get it — Wild Wild West.

Season 19 of Family Guy will hit your televisions on September 19, 2020, and Sam Elliott as Wild Wild West will make his entrance sometime in November.

Check out all the first look photos on EW.

TikTok Is *Technically* Getting Banned, But These Comedy Creators Are Here To Stay

TikTok Is *Technically* Getting Banned, But These Comedy Creators Are Here To Stay

Buuut I found some TikTok creators that not only DON’T SUCK, will make you laugh AND – in the instance the app does get banned (which I still think unlikely) – will continue to succeed inside and outside the digital space: Ryan George, Kueppers, and Preston Garcia.

*Info about the TikTok ban has been moved to the bottom of the article (Spoiler: my anxiety about the ban is BACK and STRONGER THAN EVER!! AHHHH!!)


Ryan George • 1M followers (@theryangeorge)

Instagram | YouTube | Twitter | Website

Ryan George’s one-man sketch comedy videos are already enjoyed by his huge audience on YouTube, but when made the jump to TikTok, he quickly grew a following that nearly DOUBLES his YouTube following (nice!). His videos are hilarious, weird, and timeless; his videos will remain funny and influential decades beyond their initial creation.

3 Funny TikToks from Ryan George:

The First Guy To Ever Swim

The First Guy To Ever Have A Home

The First Guy To Ever Play Tag


Kueppers • 22.1K Followers (@twirlyenough)

Instagram | Website

Kueppers is the perfect lead for a near-future truly inclusive TV show. Their mostly one-take skits are hilarious, topical, and seamlessly uses humor to point out LGBTQ+ discrimination and underrepresentation. In a world where the majority of content is still made by straight white men, Kueppers’ inclusive is refreshing, innovative, necessary, and funny.

3 Funny TikToks from Kueppers:

Queer movie pitch

my haircut turns me into a frat boy who played hockey in high school but learned to be vulnerable in college

I am a confused voice actor


Preston Garcia • 965K followers (@notprestongarcia)

Instagram | YouTube | Twitter

If Gen Z had a sitcom, Preston Garcia would be the head writer, and the show would have multiple Emmys. His videos (typically) start off as normal everyday situations featuring “normal” people that quickly (and comically) get blown out of proportion. Though his characters are dramatic AF, you’ll find solace in these emotional performances because his characters so accurately satirize that people you hate in your daily life that you’ll watch these videos and go “HAHA, THIS CHARACTER IS JUST LIKE ______. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAD TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE THIS STUPID, BUT IF PRESTON GARCIA MADE A VIDEO ABOUT IT, IT MEANS MORE PEOPLE LIKE _____ EXIST – WHICH SUCKS – BUT AT LEAST THAT MEANS OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND MY EXPERIENCE.”

3 Funny TikToks from Preston Garcia:

Kids learning Math

Managers when Customers ask to talk to them…

Why Karen ACTUALLY asks for the Manager…


TIKTOK BAN UPDATE

So yeah… I hate to say it, but the TikTok Ban may technically happen. Previously, Microsoft + Walmart and Oracle were the frontrunners to buy ByteDance (the company that owns TikTok). HOWEVER, no one has made the purchase, the deadline for the TikTok Ban is still set for September 20th, AND Trump refuses to extend that deadline. GAH!

The reason the sale hasn’t gone through? It could be one (or all) of the following:

  • ByteDance is valued at $78 billion – that’s a hefty price tag for any potential buyer to meet (or try to come close to). Plus, it doesn’t help Trump made an (potentially illegal) executive order that required the acquisition from ByteDance to a US company to happen in 90 days. Who wants to be rushed into a sale!? (especially when it’s a multi-billion dollar price tag!?)
  • In August, Beijing introduced export restrictions on artificial intelligence technology, which included the algorithm that TikTok uses to determine which videos to show each user. (This means ByteDance would have to obtain a license to export any restricted technologies to a foreign company – which means it’s another roadblock hindering potential buyers from acquiring ByteDance)
  • ByteDance is now fighting to keep a small amount of ownership in the company… which I totally get (and agree with – I’d be pissed if I built something as big as TikTok and a walking orange toddler suddenly told me I had to sell it and retain no ownership). However, this factor doesn’t make the potential acquisition any easier.

HOWEVER – if a sale between ByteDance and a US company doesn’t happen – that doesn’t mean TikTok will disappear on September 20th. TikTok is currently suing the Trump Administration because the ban is likely unconstitutional since Trump has ZERO evidence that TikTok is actually a national security threat (AND it has been PROVEN TikTok takes about the same amount of data as any other social media app). So this buys TikTok time more time to find a buyer, rule the ban as unconstitutional, or find another way to avoid having TikTok be totally banned.

So TikTok will still be around… but its future is still unsure.


ARTICLES REGARDING THE TIKTOK BAN

There is still no proof TikTok is spying on you for China (Business Insider)

TikTok sale to American company may not happen in time to avoid US ban (New York Post)

TikTok Sues U.S. Government Over Trump Ban


ABOUT TIKTOK SPOTLIGHT

Like my TikTok recommendations? Cool. Got better ones? Awesome! If there’s a TikTok account you think FOD should feature, send it my way: kat@funnyordie.com

Follow FOD on TikTok! https://vm.tiktok.com/J2NGVMq/

Also… follow me (the author – hi!) on TikTok! https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJhJse89/

When Your Future Boss Calls Your Reference & Thinks It’s A Prank Phone Call

Job interviews are always a little intimidating.

But for our cartoon buddy Denim (yes, that is really his name), scoring this job is going to be an uphill battle because his resume is trash and his potential boss is about to call his former employer as a reference and (spoiler) HIS FORMER EMPLOYER DOESN’T REMEMBER HIM. AHHH!!!

Fun fact: the entire exchange between Denim’s past and potential employers was created by Paul Louis Smith (director, writer and animator for this sketch) prank calling a random business and recording the call!

When Your Future Boss Calls Your Reference & Thinks It’s A Prank Phone Call
When Your Future Boss Calls Your Reference & Thinks It’s A Prank Phone Call

Oh boy, if you thought the resume was bad – the call with Denim’s previous employer is worse: not only does Denim’s former employer NOT remember him, but due to Denim’s unusual characteristics (unusual name, oddly short height, listing “waiting things out” as a his only hobby) Denim’s past employer thinks the entire call is a prank they’re being prank called and hangs up. AHHHHHH!!

Though things look bleak, somehow Denim lands the job!! Was it because his employer saw potential in Denim despite his personal and professional flaws? Or was it because his employer was not-so-secretly recording Denim’s butt for his personal “ass crack cleavage cam” collection?

Well… you’ll just have to watch to find out!

When Your Future Boss Calls Your Reference & Thinks It’s A Prank Phone Call
When Your Future Boss Calls Your Reference & Thinks It’s A Prank Phone Call

CREDITS

CREW:

Directed, Written, Animated & Edited by:

Paul Louis Smith (@paulouismith)

CAST:

Andrew Small (@sweetwaterjamdrew):

Margherita Blackfoot

Paul Louis Smith:

Denim / Gomber / Cyborg / Torrence Pinch

A Gentleman’s Guide To Becoming A Supervillain

A Gentleman’s Guide To Becoming A Supervillain

When running your lucrative business, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when running the world.


Don one of your many striking Italian suits. Color is at the discretion of the individual, though once you pick a color scheme, stick to it.


Have your secretary inform your clients of your intentions to become a villain, and offer them to either join you in your endeavors of devilry or face certain death.


Unmercifully kill a low level maintenance worker in your building to desensitize yourself to murder, as well as to show other employees you mean business.


Brainstorm a plan for world domination, and then employ a few freelance graphic designers to create an imposing and dramatic visual presentation of your intentions.


Have your intern or office boy conduct thorough research as to ascertain whether there are any superhero-nemeses in your area.


If there is no superhero available, kill a man in front of his children, kneel down in front of the shocked kids, and laugh. This will hopefully encourage one of his brood to blossom into your future nemesis. This will also provide ample time to round out your super villain persona.


Consider a sinister moniker worthy of your intelligence and propensity towards true deviltry. King Awful is not a good choice, but the style of (Title) plus (Adjective) is a helpful format to apply.


Come up with an entertaining catch phrase that is not cheesy or easily dismissed. “You are the ripened fruits of my own malignancy, and I shall feast upon you now with a sinister appetite,” is good, though a bit long.


You may be offered injections to make you super strong at this juncture, and should feel encouraged to take them without hesitation. If you lose all your hair or your voice begins to crack, all the better to enhance the ambiance of fear you wish to project.


Hire or anoint a man or woman who will serve as your right hand. He or she should appear sexy and rarely speak, and it should be publicly implied though never acknowledged that the two of you have engaged in the act of sex.


Decide upon some sort of home base. This can be the top of an imposing and phallic skyscraper, or at the bottom of the ocean in a glass oval city. Whatever you decide should be ornate and awe-inspiring.


Steal some sort of nuclear missile or mystic and powerful totem that threatens the safety of the world.


Now that you have all your supplies in order, enjoy a delicious iced tea as you watch your hounds feast on a suspected spy or poor migrant worker that doesn’t deserve it at all.


You are finally ready to begin domination. In order to build confidence in your burgeoning diabolical skills, start with the complete takeover of a midsize metropolitan area first, such as Cleveland. Then build your way up to cities with larger populations and more recognizable landmarks.


The superhero should now appear with various attempts to foil your plans. First, re-introduce yourself and comment on how that orphan has grown into such a fine man, or how the superhero’s costume fits better than ever. Tell him or her you are excited to battle, and kidnap another person close to the hero’s heart.


Around here the villain is usually toppled, though this need not be the case if you never lose sight of the superhero and maintain an exemplary tax record. With nothing to hold against you, nations will eventually see that it is not so bad having you as a leader.


Initiate Plan W. W does not stand for anything in particular, so if inspired feel free to replace ‘W’ with any number or letter. The details of Plan W may vary from villain to villain, just be sure it remains mysterious until the last moment.


Everyone is now dead, except for you, your right-hand sex partner, and the kidnapped friend of the super-hero, now your willing sex slave and biggest champion. Enjoy repopulating the naked Earth, and remember to pass on what’s most important: the qualities of a gentleman.


Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 – “Viva La Revolución!”


This is the beginning of political upheaval in Bonanza City. These kids are fed up. This isn’t just a food fight, it’s a food civil war.

Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”
Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”

Zack tries to get his team to do their jobs and be cooks and they scream at him. Anjay tries to get his team to wake up and be upperclassmen who don’t have to do anything. Should they take it upon themself to pitch into society even though they don’t have to? Should they have to given the fact that they have the most resources? Should billionaires exist? Is this the worst reality show ever made? All good questions.

The Council reads the journal which was passed down from the original inhabitants of Bonanza City who all went crazy and ate each other in a giant mass murder suicide event. Okay, there’s no evidence that that happened but there’s also no evidence that it didn’t happen… and there’s no evidence that anything else happened so sadly we have no choice but to believe this brutal version of history for these fictional people embedded in the framework of this reality TV show.

Anyway, the journal suggests they hold district elections to vote on new council members. Kid election season is upon us. The council interrupts a standard issue Bonanza City Food Fight to tell everyone their media conglomerate overlords have decided to hold district re-elections. They discussed logistics while covered in food fight slop.

Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”
Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”

The Green District is clearly just the popular kids so they just talk it out amongst themselves and decide Laurel should just keep her seat and they’ll all just keep ruling the school. Well the not-school. School is what they’d be doing if they weren’t trapped in the desert trying to replicate our county’s broken political system to run a society with no adults as a fun social experiment, which, if you ask me makes for the worst reality TV show ever made.

All the current candidates give speeches to win over the votes of their districts and invite challengers to give opposing speeches. Everyone seems pretty ready for change in Bonanza City. Except of course the Green District, because they’ve decided to keep their leader, they’re freed up to stuff their mouths with baking soda and reveal to us at home that they aren’t being given any toothbrushes in this gulag-slash-television-show.

Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”
Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”

I bet the upperclassmen earned a weeks worth of your wages in the time it took you to say that.

They play a game to determine class hierarchy again. It has something to do with smashing a bunch of piñatas and putting US presidents in proper historical order. I don’t know, I think what matters here is they’re all running and screaming and the host, “Guy Who Belongs In A Commercial For Hemorrhoid Cream,” is screaming live play-by-play at them.

Yellow wins due to help from Zack, who happens to be running to unseat Taylor from the council. But Kelsey is quick with a hot take about that.

Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”
Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”

Looks like Taylor may have found her Dick Cheney. They all earn a reward for the town and get to choose between two rewards which are once again, something fun: a barbecue and, something they should have already been given if the show had any basic human decency, supplies to brush their teeth. They go with the thing that helps them survive.

If you’re surprised, you’re probably also the person who assumes a homeless person will spend your money on drugs. Makes you think. In any case, the one thing I think we can all agree on at this point is that this is the worst reality show ever made, and we are descending into a simulated political dystopia.

Whoa, Marquel will not be brainwashed. The revolution may be televised after all and led by a 12 year old pogo stick enthusiast. Turns out Layla made the poster Marquel ripped up so she starts crying ‘cause – oh yeah, these are all kids. Greg comes to the rescue to comfort her ‘cause ever since he’s realized money is on the line he’s been a big brother figure to the younger kids, forcing me to revise my early season warning of, “don’t mess with Greg” to “do mess with Greg.” Cause either he knows being nice to you will help him get 20 grand, or the show unfairly painted him as a bully.

Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”
Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”

They have a town council meeting and give the gold star to Greg who reveals he didn’t have any money for college and now he can go to college and I’m like well, if Greg can go to college – then shit – maybe this show does work after all. I mean. Wait. No! Stop making me like this show.

Oh right, the elections. Okay good, I hate this again… I think? Democratic elections, peaceful transfers of power, everyone being excited about being part of the political process? Is this show the best thing to ever happen to kids and also to television? What is happening? And then Greg calls his mom and she’s crying and once again this show has fully brainwashed me.

I can not stop watching it and I will not stop watching it and that is my pledge to you. Vote for me and we’ll tear down reality all together. Don’t worry that was just episode five. Every episode of this series drove me more insane than the last and hopefully – it will ruin your life too. And that’s what makes it the best worst reality show ever made!

I love you and we’re in this together.

Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”
Was ‘Kid Nation’ The Worst Reality Show Ever Made? | E5 - “Viva La Revolución!”

ABOUT KID NATION

Welcome to Kid Nation, one of the most insane reality TV shows ever made, where unaccompanied minors are driven to the middle of the desert to build a society from scratch: cook for themselves, clean for themselves, run their own economy, and drink bleach for themselves off camera (look it up, it happened). This show was so nuts it leaves you wondering: Is this the worst reality show ever made?

Watch every episode of Kid Nation:

http://funnyordie.com/kid-nation


CREDITS

Writer/Director/Actor: Darren Miller

Editor: Paul Smith

John Oliver Is Not F*cking Around

John Oliver Is Not F*cking Around

Those who watch Last Week Tonight know that contrary to the name of his show, John Oliver actually doesn’t cover the events of the past week very often, and instead does deep dives into very specific topics like electronic voting machines or how the American education system sucks ass. But considering how wildly horrifying the events of last week were, he couldn’t sit idly by and say nothing.

He begins by discussing the borderline cult-like nightmare that was the Republican National Convention. Specifically, how 90% of everyone’s talking points were straight-up, farm fresh bullshit, the shockingly bad decision to have the husband and wife who waved guns at BLM protestors in St. Louis, and Mike Pence making a distinction in his speech between Americans and “our African-American neighbors.”

Hmm. A government official using rhetoric that refers to minorities as separate from actual citizens sure sounds familiar… Ah well, I’m sure I’ll Fürher— erm, figure it out.

Then he moves onto the rather glaring disparity between how the police treated Jacob Blake versus how they treated Kyle Rittenhouse. The difference being that Blake was shot in the back seven times in front of his children and Rittenhouse was allowed to walk off after he murdered two people with an AR-15 rifle. Oh, after the cops offered him water.

This is undeniably some of John Oliver’s best, angriest (justifiably so), and most important work, but if you need more reason to watch it, let it be for the for the absolutely beautiful beatdown he gives Jared Kushner.

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A ‘Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air’ Reunion Special Is Coming This Fall

A ‘Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air’ Reunion Special Is Coming This Fall

Although I have no idea what your taste in music is, where you’re from, what year you were born in, I’m willing to bet that there’s one song we can all recite start to finished — the theme for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. It’s one of the great unifiers! I can’t remember the name of my first year university Humanities professor but I can remember every single word from that intro. And if there’s one thing we could all use right now, it’s some to-your-core nostalgic feel-goods. Which, luckily, is one thing we can pass along.

This autumn, everybody’s coming back together one more time.

The cast of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, including Alfonso Ribeiro, Tatyana Ali, Daphne Maxwell Reid, Joseph Marcell, and Karyn Parsons, is returning for an unscripted special exclusively for HBO Max. The special will be filmed in early September, and will hit HBO Max right around Thanksgiving, in honor of the show’s 30th anniversary.

So the good news is we’ve all got this to look forward to this November, the bad news is, 30 years?? Good god we’re all old.