Bloggers have been notified that the emails informing Followers of a new post will be discontinued in a couple of months. Rabbit Ramblings will still be here, but you’ll have to check back every so often to see if anything new has been posted.
Let me start by saying that I love you, and it’s important you know this doesn’t change that. That being said, this has gone on for long enough and it’s time I addressed it. You gotta stop licking your dick and balls all the time, buddy.
I think we can agree that for the most part the last year of me working from home has gone pretty smoothly, and I’m grateful! I am! Spending all day everyday together for over a year is a lot, and it’s not like you can just open the door and take yourself for a walk to get some space. (You don’t have thumbs to open the door, as you are aware). I’m not unsympathetic, but things simply have to change.
Remy, my sweet angel, light of my life, there is no way you need to lick your ween that vigorously, for that long. I understand personal hygiene, but this is beyond. Do you know how many times per day I lose track of what I’m writing or have to reread entire emails because all I can focus on is the sound of you going to town on yourself? Did you know that the CIA and the Soviets made their captives listen to the same sounds over and over and over as a form of torture?
You’re waging psychological warfare on me, Remy. So predictably every single day and yet the sound of you licking your dick and balls is something I will never get used to. Like a horrible grandfather clock.
Shlorp shlorp shlorp shlorp
How does it sound both that wet and that loud? Do you have an amplifier down there? Are you slobbering into a microphone? Have you figured out exactly where to lie to best use the acoustics of the apartment? And that’s another thing, I know we don’t have a ton of space, but there is absolutely no reason for you to do this directly under my desk. Right next to where I work. Sometimes while lying on my feet.
Get a room, for god’s sake.
If I didn’t interrupt with a “hey!” or a “shhht!” every few minutes I don’t know when you’d stop, and I don’t think you do either. You’re clean, Remy. You’re clean. If I let you lick your penis for as long as you wanted to lick your penis, you wouldn’t have a penis left. You would polish it right off.
Do you want that? Do you want to lick your penis into nonexistence? I doubt it, considering how fond you obviously are.
Please, Remy, for both of our sakes, mostly the sake of my sanity but for BOTH of our sakes, before you lick yourself, first ask:
Did I just lick myself five minutes ago?
Do I really need to lick myself?
Could I spend this time doing something else like perhaps cleaning up my toys?
Is there a cat or a bird outside that I could stare at instead?
If you want to lick just your balls for a while though, fine. I will allow that. But only because they’re not going to be around for much longer, which is a talk for another day.
During the pandemic millions of people have had to adjust to their jobs, schooling, childcare, and anything else that would regularly happen face-to-face being conducted pretty much entirely virtually. After over a year of living life under lockdowns, it’s to be expected that we’d all be feeling a little technology burnout. So to help reinvigorate your day-to-day, here are some alternative email sign-offs and signatures you might want to consider.
Stoically while staring out at the sea,
See you in Hell,
Baby bye bye bye (bye bye bye),
Stay fresh, cheese bags,
Await the signal,
Take care or else,
Softly and tenderly like Julie Andrews holding a baby bird,
Stuck inside a computer beep boop beep boop,
Watch the skies, traveller,
Please be nice I’m sensitive,
Still deeply confused by Tenet but too afraid to ask at this point,
Sent from my iPhone OR WAS IT,
And if you don’t know, now you know,
Naked and afraid,
New York Times #1 Bestselling Author,
Respond at your convenience but know I will be panicking until you do,
If there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, it’s that sharks are cool as shit. They’re fast as hell, they’ve got hundreds of bitchin’ razor sharp teeth (except you, whale shark, but you still rule), even their skin is made up of essentially microscopic teeth, and just like your dependable best friend from elementary school, they haven’t really changed over the hundreds of millions of years they’ve been around.
Or so we thought!
Apparently over the last few million years, at least nine shark species off the coast of Australia and New Guinea have learned to walk behind our backs. These conniving bastards, called epaulette sharks, now use their fins to crawl across coral reefs.
So, first of all, absolutely the fuck not.
We trusted you! You were our rock in a swirling sea of evolutionary changes! How could you do this to us, “epaulette sharks”, if that’s even your real name. We loved you just the way you were, and then you go and betray our trust like this. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d actually stab us in the back, considering you probably also have some kind of fucked up shark hands now.
When does it end, sharks??
Well, it doesn’t end there, because guess the fuck what. They’re not just flipping everyone a webbed middle finger and scrabbling over reefs, they’re actually walking on land.
The audacity. The gall. We’ve been weathering a goddamn global pandemic for over a year, from which we’re all gonna have to work through weird cagey feelings around toilet paper for like, a while, and now this shit? Sharks are leaving the fucking ocean and taking strolls on beaches, and that’s what we have to deal with now?? No. NO. Sharks had their chance to venture onto land a few hundred million years ago, they made their decision and I am putting my foot down. My human, land-dwelling foot. We cannot allow this.
There is already way too much shit going on. Nobody has the time or energy to deal with “oh by the way, sharks want to walk among us” on top of everything. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “It’s not a big deal! All the walking sharks are super small, they’re not a threat!” To which I say, first and foremost, the fact that you’re normalizing “walking sharks” at all is disgusting, you make me sick. Secondly, yeah sure they’re small now, but what happens when they decide they wanna get bigger? They’ve already decided they want to leave the fucking ocean without consulting anyone, you think they’re gonna run it by the group when they want to bulk up?
Fat chance, buddy.
And what kind of an example is this setting for sharks that are already big? If you don’t think the bull sharks or great whites are going to lace up and immediately follow suit as soon as they hear about what these 2-foot-long punks are up to then you need to wake up and smell the sea salt. Do you want to have to look him in the eyes and tell Jaws to get off your lawn? I don’t!
I don’t like it, I don’t trust it, and neither should you.
Over the course of the pandemic many people have adopted or begun fostering pets, both because lots of folks found themselves with way more time on their hands in lockdown and because everybody has been clinging to literally any form of socialization and anything that provides the slightest bit of joy in this ceaseless nightmare.
If you haven’t welcomed an animal companion into your life yet there is still time, and this might be the dog for you. So long as you’re not a man, or a child, or someone who lives with men or children, or who has other dogs. Or cats. Or anything else, really.
This is Prancer, and he’s quite the character demon.
Prancer is a chihuahua from New Jersey and he has a lot of strong feelings. Most of them are not good. Since coming into her life “obese, wearing a cashmere sweater, with a bacon egg n cheese stuffed in his crate with him,” Tyfanee Fortuna and her family have been fostering Prancer for six months, but the time has come for Fortuna to really put the pedal to the metal on her hunt for his forever home — a task which has proved difficult for a number of reasons.
In her now-viral Facebook post, Fortuna describes Prancer and what living with Prancer is like in vivid, brutally honest detail, after writing a number of drafts to try and make him sound “palatable”.
“The problem is, he’s just not. There’s not a very big market for neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dogs that look like gremlins.”
Fortuna describes Prancer as “50% hate and 50% tremble,” and explains that because his former owner, an elderly woman transitioning to assisted living, never socialized him, he has a deep loathing for men, any other animal, and (it’s safe to assume) children. She goes on to say that because of this, he likely could not live in an apartment complex, unless you hate your neighbors, and that he would probably “have to be put away like a vacuum” when company comes.
“I am convinced at this point he is not a real dog, but more like a vessel for a traumatized Victorian child that now haunts our home.”
Thanks to Fortuna’s hilarious “buyer beware” post, and because I think we all resonate with a grump like Prancer, he has become an internet sensation. Fortuna says that the flip side of his incredible, concentrated neurosis is he is incredibly loyal, and would make a great companion for a single woman or a married couple. He likes to go for car rides and although Fortuna admits he does have a “bologna face”, he smiles when he’s happy and is still a little bit adorable.
Spelling mistakes and syntax errors aren’t anything new, they’ve been around for as long as humans have been writing words. For most of history though, one’s spelling mistakes (most likely) had a pretty limited audience. Unless you were writing a book or an article in a newspaper or something else publicly available, the only person who’d catch your goof-ups would be your beloved to whom you’re writing long, cursive love letters to, or whatever they did back in the sepia-tone days. Now, thanks to the internet, every single thing you do is extremely public and widely, widely distributed whether you like it or not, which means that anytime you make even the most minor of spelling blunders — or typos, as the kids say — you’ve got a whole sea of people ready to jump on it as if it’s the single dumbest thing anyone’s ever seen.
So let’s get one thing straight: unless you’re grading a paper or someone messes up your name, pointing out someone’s typos makes you a giant tool. Just because you corrected some guy’s use of “their”, “there”, or “they’re”, in a YouTube comments argument doesn’t mean you won.
Compiling a series of misspellings and grammatical blunders into one video and reading them aloud for the purpose of making people laugh because hey, some combinations of letters are just super funny, is totally different and hilarious. This is exactly what one YouTuber, J. T. Sexkik, did a couple of times back 2016, and holy shit, to this day they are some of my favorite goddamn things ever created.
For both videos, he took screenshots of questions various people had asked on Yahoo! Answers, and simply read them out loud. The questions for the first video center around pregnancy, “am I pregnant?” “Could my girlfriend be pregnant?” Things like that. The second video features questions all about ouija boards.
You might be asking yourself, “how many different ways to fuck up the spelling of ‘pregnant’ and ‘ouija board’ could there possibly be?”
It’s always good to see elected officials and civilians coming together to push for positive change, and focusing on issues that really matter.
This is not one of those times!
Earlier this week Alabama Rep. Jeremy Gray put forth Bill AL HB246, the purpose of this bill being to overturn a ban on yoga in public schools that has stood since in 1993. Let’s all take a deep breath in through the nose, out through the mouth, and then come to center to read that again.
Yoga has been banned in Alabama public schools since 1993
because —get ready for it—
that would promote Hinduism.
You’d think the folks who put that bill in effect and have been backing it all these years would be huge supporters of yoga, given how big of a fucking stretch that is. Doing yoga leads to Hinduism just as much as swimming leads to becoming a dolphin. Conservative groups in Alabama pushed back hard against this bill, with one arguing “If this bill passes, then instructors will be able to come into classrooms as young as kindergarten and bring these children through guided imagery, which is a spiritual exercise, and it’s outside their parents’ view. And we just believe that this is not appropriate,” but what I want to know is, why stop there?
You know what else is outside the view of parents? Math.
You know that the number 666 is the number of the Devil, and did you know that if kids type 80085 into a calculator it looks like the word BOOBS?! Why are we allowing math, which teaches innocent children demonic numbers and promotes BOOBS, in public schools?!
Something to think about!
In defending the bill, Jeremy Gray said after doing yoga for ten years he has yet to become a Hindu —just what a secret Hindu insurgent hellbent on destroying the fabric of America would say— and even though the bill would simply allow for public schools to authorize yoga as a physical exercise “limited exclusively to sitting, standing, reclining, twisting, and balancing”, that’s just too risky.
That’s how they getcha, y’know. Balancing and standing.
But don’t worry, everyone, the bill was not passed, yoga is still banned in Alabama public schools. Lawmakers and concerned citizens with firmly clenched buttholes continued to protect Alabama’s youth from the danger that is flexibility. Namaste.
Last week the world was captivated by Ever Given, the cargo ship that became lodged in the Suez Canal, effectively halting 12% of the world’s trade for a full work week. This caused many people to say, “Hey, perhaps it’s not very good that a single waterway’s functionality can make or break a sizeable chunk of global trade.”
But then a much more important revelation was made, which was that Ever Given’s final course before getting stuck in the canal drew a giant dick and ass in the Red Sea.
There was never an official comment given by the crew or Evergreen Marine, the company to which the ship is registered, on why this impressively detailed course was charted, but that’s fine. We don’t need an answer, all that matters is that it happened.
The next updates in this ridiculous saga came from the Suez Canal Authority, which included a picture of the single excavator being used to try and dig this colossal ship out of the canal in superb Little Toaster That Could fashion, and a series of weird sizzle reels with intense music that answered exactly zero questions.
But early Monday morning, officials confirmed that the MS Ever Given, the sweetheart of the internet, has been freed.
There are many who I’m sure were elated at this news, however they are most certainly overnumbered by those who are absolutely not happy. Not happy at all. Why did we all come to love this boat so much? Why did looking at it continue to not move day after day bring us such a strange sense of joy and comfort? Is it because we saw ourselves in this boat, as we, too, have all felt stuck in one sense or another for the past year, with not but a single overwhelmed excavator? Who knows. All that’s for sure is the consensus now is, put the boat back.
We all know that just because someone holds political office that doesn’t guarantee they’re the brightest bulb in the box, and occasionally there are moments that are just impossible not to laugh at. Like when Ben Carson, the goddamn Housing and Urban Development secretary, genuinely thought Congresswoman Katie Porter was asking him about Oreo cookies because he didn’t know what REO’s were, or when Utah Senator Mike Lee tried to argue against the Green New Deal with pictures of Aquaman.
Unfortunately for everyone though, way more often than it is funny, having dim bulbs in office has awful consequences.
And during the last year-and-a-half of the coronavirus pandemic, that’s meant putting people’s health and lives at risk. On March 10 Governor Greg Abbott of Texas completely lifted the state’s mask mandate, even though less than 7% of Texans had been vaccinated by that point. There’s nothing funny about that. The real kicker is that although the Governor said he wanted Texas businesses to be able to operate as normal and get the economy going, many events and conventions that were supposed to be held in Texas have cancelled as a result of his extremely premature and fucking dumb decision to end the mask mandate, which has caused businesses to lose hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Real great work, Greg.
Thankfully there are many, many Texans who have continued to wear masks and practice safe social distancing, and many business owners are still requiring their employees and patrons do the same. Wayne and Kat LaCombe, owners of Legends Diner in Denton, are among them. After closing their restaurant for almost three months, the LaCombes are very serious about Legends Diner’s social distancing and mask guidelines.
In fact, they’ve adopted a new policy and wrote it on a sign in the restaurant window just to make sure everyone’s super clear on it.
$50 if I have to explain why masks are mandatory
$75 if I have to hear why you disagree
Seems like a perfectly reasonable surcharge to me! The LaCombe’s new restaurant policy has attracted customers, giving folks a sense of security and a good chuckle on the way in. However there have been those who have complained about the diner’s stance on masks, and luckily for them, Kat LaCombe worked as an oncology nurse for almost 30 years and was kind enough to respond via the diner’s Facebook page.
And she’s right! It’s not very much to ask of people! It’s actually a very, very easy thing to do! Be like the LaCombes, stay safe, wear a mask, and charge anyone who makes you listen to why they they won’t.
You really do learn something new everyday, for example I had no idea until about thirty minutes ago that Cadbury puts on a contest each year to decide who will be the new Easter Bunny for their famous clucking bunny commercials. I figured they had a roster of A-list actor bunnies for that, but this method of selection, called the Cadbury Bunny Tryouts, is much more adorable.
Apparently there’s a lot of competition to be dubbed the new Cadbury Bunny, which makes sense when you think about it, that is the highest rank any rabbit could aspire to rise hop to. (I’m guessing, I don’t converse with many rabbits.)
This year’s contest garnered over 12,000 animal submissions, and after an intense few weeks of voting, America has spoken.
The 2021 Cadbury Bunny is Betty the treefrog.
You’re probably thinking, wait a second, that’s not a bunny, that’s a treefrog! Which is true, Betty is not, in fact, a bunny. However, she does have ears on and she can hop like a pro, so she definitely meets the requirements. Plus, what are you, the bunny police?!
She’s doing a great job. Nothing but the utmost respect for our new democratically elected Easter Queen.
Aside from being a perfect sweet angel baby who can do no wrong, Betty has made history as the first amphibian and first female to win the title of Cadbury Bunny, making this not just a success for her, but for all of us. We are all winners today. Betty’s favorite pastimes are “sleeping, late-night snacking, taking a dip in her water bowl and spending time with friends,” and I would take a bullet for her. Just another fun fact.
Well, this comes as sad news to Mr. Trump and extremely inconsequential news to everyone else, in fact it’s pretty generous to call this “news” at all but hey man, we’ve been in a pandemic for over a year now and it’s hard to find entertaining stuff to write about when everybody’s inside and literally nothing happens. It’s either this or making you all read in-depth reporting on the drama at the bird feeder outside. (Lesser goldfinches have recently moved in and the house finches who run this spot are being pretty huge dicks about it.)
Look, what I’m trying to say is I’m doing my best.
A n y w a y ,
The wax figure of Donald Trump at Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks in San Antonio recently had to be removed from the museum display and put into storage because guests of the museum couldn’t stop beating the hell out of it. According to regional manager for Ripley Entertainment, Clay Stewart, museum-goers had cleaned Trump’s waxy clock badly enough to leave “deep marks” requiring he be moved to storage. It’s unclear how the addition of more deep, waxy marks made Mr. Trump appear less realistic, especially considering this is what the original figure looks like.
Wow. Who knows if the person responsible for this wax figure really, really hates Trump or is simply bad at their job, but either way, wow.
The other question we’re all left with is who in their goddamn minds is choosing to go to a wax museum, of all places, in the middle of a pandemic?! You’re telling me there are people out there saying, “Mask or no mask, I gotta get to Louis Tussaud’s.” And they’re just… OUT THERE? Walking among us?! There’s another public health concern we need to discuss!
Apparently people beating up wax figures of former or sitting presidents at the museum is not uncommon, and the museum has “always had trouble with the presidential section” for that reason. There seems to be a pretty simple fix here: stop making wax figures of presidents! They’re creepy! Why do we need another version of every American president that is both deeply haunting and infinitely more useless! Stop making wax presidents.
If you ask anyone, “Hey, do you remember Green Lantern from 2011?” There are only two possible answers, “No,” or, “Ugh, unfortunately.” We’ve all got our own share of mistakes. For the entire cast of Cats (2020) it was Cats (2020), for Ryan Reynolds it was Green Lantern. In fact, the film was so profoundly bad and impacted so many people because of how bad it was that during the credits of Deadpool 2, Ryan Reynolds (as Deadpool) goes back in time to 2011 and shoots himself in the head so that the movie is never made.
Apparently, Ryan Reynolds had never even seen the movie, which I’m certainly not going to fault him for. But on St. Patrick’s Day this year, he finally decided to bite the bullet and watch it for the first time.
After informing fans on Twitter that he was about to take the plunge —and making himself a stiff drink to get through the movie— he live tweeted his entire experience, which was way more fun to witness than Green Lantern itself. (But, honestly, it doesn’t take much.)
It’s apparently the only fucking movie in existence that’s not streaming anywhere so you’re SOL if you want to watch along. But I’m going deep. #GinnerAndAMovie#AviationGin
Maybe it’s the Aviation Gin talking, but #GreenLantern was nothing to fear! Hundreds of incredible crew and cast members did amazing work — and while it’s not perfect, it ain’t a tragedy. Next time I won’t wait a decade to watch.
There is a saying that goes, “Everyday the internet has a new main character and the goal is not to be it.” You know, people who do something so profoundly dumb and bad that the entire internet comes together to light them the fuck up. Like Bean Dad, who proudly tweeted that he refused to feed his hungry 9-year-old daughter for six hours because she couldn’t figure out how to use a can opener and he didn’t want to help her, or Dean Browning, the Pennsylvania Republican who had been masquerading as a pretend gay Black Trump supporter on Twitter.
The internet’s main character for almost this entire week is Tucker Carlson, which, I gotta say, couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy. Tucker has had his doughy ass virtually handed to him by Jon Stewart, John Oliver, and now Seth Meyers.
After showing a clip of “human catamaran” Tucker Carlson asking some really hard-hitting questions about the coronavirus vaccine that definitely haven’t already been answered by medical experts over and over and over, like “How effective is it?” And, “How necessary is it to take it?” At which point Seth Meyers takes it away and delivers a Tucker Carlson impression that is so good it’s almost TOO good as he takes us down a nonsensical rabbit hole of covid vaccine questions that is so absurd, chances are Tucker saw it and said to himself, “Wait, he’s making some good points here. What if the vaccine DOES turn you into a half-porcupine half-human?”
Humans have evolved into incredibly unique creatures, each with our own interests and tastes, but for all our differences and opinions, there are a few facts we all know to be universally true. Fart jokes are funny, turning the radio down makes reading street signs easier, and things that go fast are cool. We love when things go fast. It doesn’t matter what it is, animals, vehicles, people — if it goes fast, we like it and we want to watch it go fast. In fact, we love watching things go fast so much, we’ve turned that basic notion into multiple sports.
YEAH, BABY! Foot races, horse races, car races, boat races, WE GOT IT ALL! But what do we like more than simply watching things go fast competitively? Watching things go fast competitively with ridiculous additions that make going fast extremely hard to do and hilarious to watch. With that, I present to you,
No, not actual dinosaurs. Science isn’t there yet, and if it was, I’d like to think the first thing we’d do with actual dinosaurs would not be make them run a track for our own entertainment. But that’s probably exactly what would happen, because humans objectively kind of suck and we should not be trusted with dinosaurs. So this is the next best thing. You know what? No. I take that back. This isn’t the next best thing, this is the best thing. This is it. This is the pinnacle of sport. This is…
Humans sprinting while wearing inflatable T. Rex costumes.
If that sounds ridiculous, that’s because IT TOTALLY IS. AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH. As if trying to watch people sprint in giant inflatable dinosaur costumes wasn’t already funny enough, the names of some of the competitors are Dino Dasher, Ramblin’ Rex, Rex Girlfriend, Fossilizer, and my personal favorite, the winner of the whole thing,
Even if it didn’t literally occur the previous week like the name implies, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver covers topics that are as important to know about as they are deeply, deeply fucked up. Over the pandemic, John Oliver has focused on things that are topical and relevant to the times, like how completely messed up the unemployment benefits system is in America and the insane lengths Trump and his cronies went to to undermine the 2020 election, but the star of this week’s episode is, unfortunately, very evergreen: Tucker Carlson.
Tucker Carlson is by no means a new face on television and even those who value their time and brain cells enough to not watch his show know the basics. He’s the highest rated host on Fox News, he’s the grand master of dumb facial expressions that are somehow both slack and furrowed at the same time, and he’s never not yelling about minorities, women, LGBTQ+ folks, Muslims, or a combination of the above. You might be thinking, yeah, we all know that, so what else is there to talk about?
Well, considering there’s a very real possibility this sac of bugs wearing a suit might become a future presidential candidate, now is the time to get very acquainted with exactly who he is and what he’s about.
Although Fox News won a lawsuit against them alleging that Tucker slandered former model Karen McDougal by literally arguing that “no reasonable viewer” would take him and what he says seriously, his show is where millions of people are getting information and rhetoric that they absolutely take seriously. This episode breaks down what Tucker Carlson’s tactics are for so effectively peddling white supremacy and white nationalism, what he represents, and where he came from. (Not a bog, surprisingly.)
The only thing John Oliver didn’t cover is what some of Tucker Carlson’s weaknesses might be. Sunlight? Water? Perhaps garlic or anything made of pure silver?
Do you have a friend that’s smart but “stupid” at the same time?
Like, they own a home and have a full-time job, but they think racism isn’t real?
Personally, I don’t believe anyone is actually stupid – the root of the issue tends to be a mix of being misinformed, uneducated, and/or needing to get their ego checked via therapy.
ALSO – we (unfortunately) live in a world with both evil corporations AND bad people with money that intentionally make things complicated and spread misinformation to discourage the oppressed from being informed OR politically active.
So… how do we get our smart (but stupid) friends to see the error in their ways?
Well – they say “laughter is the best medicine,” and comedian Karan Menon’s TikToks are proof that humor may be the best way to inform your misinformed friends.
The “All Lives Matter” movement is stupid, and this TikTok explains why in the funniest way.
Karan’s friend flailing in the background miming that he’s “having a heart attack” SENDS ME
“Voter suppression isn’t real,” haha – YOU SURE ABOUT THAT!?
I literally once didn’t watch anything on Netflix for a month because I was too lazy to re-enter my password. We KNOW that people are less likely to do something when they’re inconvenienced – so why wouldn’t we make voting as accessible as possible? (unless the people in power didn’t want CERTAIN people voting… dun dun DUN!)
Does the phrase “abolish the police” make your friends ✨furious?✨ Show them this:
BTW – no one said, “get rid of the police.” We said, “hey – there’s a consistent pattern of police killing or injuring innocent people of color AND mentally disabled people. We should probably change the way we do policing so that this stops happening.”
The electoral college is bullsh*t and we all know it. Let this video ✨vindicate you✨
There aren’t a ton of people defending the electoral college’s legitimacy, we’re just in a weird position where it would be difficult to get rid of it. However, we got stuck with Donald Trump for four years because of the electoral college and over half a million people died because of his mishandling of the pandemic. I feel like that alone is a good enough reason to at least try to abolish it. Here are step-by-step instructions on how we could actually abolish the electoral college.
When Texas got hit with unusually cold weather, did any of your friends brush off the chaos it caused as a result of “people not knowing how to handle cold weather”? Show them this:
The needless amount of property damage and death this weather caused was preventable – the state was just too cheap to implicate the infrastructure that would’ve protected its citizen. We can’t allow people to be misinformed about what happened in Texas, or it will happen again (just like it did 10 years ago).
Have a friend that still won’t wear a mask? (even though we are a year into this pandemic). SHOW THEM THIS:
I once didn’t recognize a guy I had been dating for 6 months because he got a haircut. So yes – I do fully believe Robin wearing that mask would protect Robin’s identity.
Sorry to circle back to police reform thing again, but C’MON!! WE HAVE TO CHANGE THIS “absolute immunity” bullsh*t because it is GETTING IN THE WAY OF JUSTICE.
We need to be able to police the police if we want the police to police properly.
Like my TikTok recommendations? Cool. Got better ones? Awesome! If there’s a TikTok account you think FOD should feature, send it my way: firstname.lastname@example.org
Every family has stories. Stories that get told over and over and over again, stories that get passed down and get told by people who are far younger than the stories themselves, stories that change or blur over time, stories that become part of the family.
But not everyone has stories like this.
In 1934, Harold Heaven disappeared from his cabin in Haliburton, Ontario in the dead of winter.
All that was missing was his rifle, his best suit, and Harold himself. The door was left open, the lamp was left burning. With no body ever found and not even so much as footprints in the snow to follow, the case was unceremoniously closed as a supposed suicide. 87 years later, that’s the story that Mike Mildon, Harold Heaven’s great-great-nephew, grew up hearing. What happened to Harold? Why would a young man who had just recently purchased land and started construction on a new cabin walk out into the woods in the middle of the night, and in a suit, no less? If it was a suicide, why was his body never found? These are just some of the questions that Mike and the rest of his family wrestled with around the campfire over the years, and with over eight decades of separation from the disappearance and not a lot of information to go on, Mike and his best friend Jackson Rowe set out to find some answers.
Mike and Jackson are comedians by profession, but they want you to know that the disappearance of Harold Heaven, the people they interviewed, the leads they uncovered and the lengths they went to in this documentary are very real.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity and length
Mike, obviously this is something that you’ve known about for a very long time, but at what point did you tell Jackson about Harold Heaven? And then how did that lead to you guys deciding to try and solve this mystery?
Mike: I don’t think I ever told Jackson about the campfire story, which is what I knew my entire life. The first thing I brought to him was the 1934 police reports, and it was right at a time when, like, all the content we were absorbing was true crime. So, I handed [the police reports] to him and was like, “I think there’s something here.” Then we started to go back and forth about everything: what was on the police report, the investigation, then it slowly started to dawn on us that we might have a true crime on our hands.
Since both of you come from a comedy background and have been working together for a while, what was it like switching gears into true crime? Did you find that your skills from comedy were applicable at all?
Jackson: It was a bit awkward at first, for sure. We were just nervous and we wanted to make sure we were doing the whole case justice. Then as we got our feet wet and as we started to get more and more into the thick of the investigation we really settled in. I think our comedy background was an asset to us because we could put people at ease during the interviews, and we come across with a certain charm that allows people a little more freedom to talk about stuff. They know we’re not just looking for the goods and trying to pin anything on anybody. We’re actually just interested in making the best documentary and getting to the bottom of the case.
Mike: We’re charming. We’re very charming.
What was it like working to solve this crime that’s not only so close to home for you, Mike, but to try and solve it with your family? Was that weird?
Mike: Yeah, there’s a lot of trust involved and they didn’t know the story we were telling. They just knew we wanted to talk about the Harold case. They were kind of like, well, how is this all going to fit together? To be honest, Jackson and I didn’t really know exactly what we were telling at the beginning either. We knew we wanted to solve it but we were kind of feeling it out, trying to make it feel like we’re having fun, the same way we talk about the campfire story. Jackson and I treated the interviews the same way with my family, like it’s just a conversation about Harold. And depending on the generation, like you go far enough back and there’s only one generation removed from Harold. So then it’s a little bit of a touchier subject. We just had to strike the right tone and balance with each person.
Yeah, I mean it sounds like it’s so long ago when you say 87 years, but that’s not that long ago. I wasn’t expecting, going into the documentary, to be able to see people who knew Harold.
Jackson: It gives a whole new weight to it, when you meet people who met him or knew him and can describe him as a real person rather than just the photos we’ve been seeing. It was really cool.
Mike: 87 years is a long time ago, but not that long.
Jackson: Not to everybody.
Did you anticipate the kind of reaction that you got from the community? As in the whole process of spreading the story of Harold through events and being on the radio show, did you go into it thinking that it was mostly going to stay localized to your family, or were you expecting to really get a lot of members of the community involved?
Mike: For me that was the most exciting part because there was all this information within our family, but the family always kept it contained. So Jackson and I were excited about getting [the story to] literally everybody. We wanted to spread the word as fast and as far as we could to see what people came back with and who knew about the mystery. A lot of information did come in that way. There were a lot more people that knew about Harold’s story and what happened than we anticipated, it led to a lot of cool breakthroughs in the case.
Jackson: I definitely didn’t anticipate the level of knowledge in the community and the level they were willing to help. It really did blow us away.
—Minor spoiler ahead—
What was the most exciting or the coolest development in this case for both of you as you were going through it?
Mike: My favorite was when we discovered the Apple Core Man. That was investigative work we were able to do. We figured out who the Apple Core Man was, and then not only that, but his descendants also had stories of Harold and a completely different version of events than what we’d ever heard. So it led to this whole next half of the show that was not there at the beginning, and it was so cool because it was happening in real time. We were on the phone and then we were like, “We have to go to Lindsay!” And then driving out there the next day, it was crazy. You can feel it in that episode. It’s all very active, very exciting.
Jackson: I think the most exciting part for me was getting to ride snowmobiles. That was pretty awesome. We use them to get to a certain area that was kind of hard to get to, then once we were done filming we just ripped around a little bit on the frozen lake with them.
Watch all episodes of For Heaven’s Sakeon Paramount+ and keep up with Mike and Jackson’s comedy on their YouTube channel right here