‘The Coop’ Episode 2 Is Here, Who’s Your Main Suspect?

‘The Coop’ Episode 2 Is Here, Who’s Your Main Suspect?

You know how every single reality show host says “this is the most dramatic season yet”?

Well, this season of The Coop is definitely the most dramatic one yet. I mean, what’s more dramatic than finding the hunkiest member of the house dead in the pool? Not a whole lot!

In the season 39 premiere, viewers were introduced to the house members in a pretty unconventional way: by questioning them about the shocking and mysterious death of fellow housemate Ryan. Now in episode 2, you’ll get the chance to explore The Coop Mansion, listen in on some juicy conversations, hear some of the cast’s theories, investigate clues, and hopefully, uncover some incriminating evidence to help solve this murder mystery.

But who are you going to check in on? Which rooms are you going to do some sleuthing in? Well, that’s up to you!


Episode 2 — Friend or Foe

All eyes are on the housemates, but who’s got eyes on the eyes filming them?

Story Time With Samuel L. Jackson: “Stay The F*ck At Home”

Story Time With Samuel L. Jackson: “Stay The F*ck At Home”

Government officials at municipal, state, and federal levels have all been telling the public to stay home and follow social distancing guidelines for the past several weeks now. So have we, and so has your mom probably. Unfortunately, though, there are still some people out there who are throwing caution and logic and basic human decency to the wind, and continuing to do dumb shit like hang out in groups at golf courses in the middle of a goddamn pandemic.

So! It looks like we’re going to have to take a different approach to get those folks onboard with social distancing. Probably something a little more… to the point? Luckily, Samuel L. Jackson has the perfect solution.

Almost a decade ago, Sam Jackson teamed up with children’s author Adam Mansbach, narrating his classic book Go the F**k to Sleep for an audiobook as well as for YouTube. As Jackson explained during an episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live from earlier this week, Mansbach, inspired by recent events, wrote a follow-up to Go the F**k to Sleep about social distancing during the COVID-19 pandemic. This version of the poem carries a message that everyone benefits from, and that some people need to hear more than others.

Stay the Fuck at Home.

And, just like there’s literally no one better to tell your kids to go the fuck to sleep than Samuel L. Jackson, there is absolutely no one better to tell all these grown-ass adults who still aren’t listening to STAY. THE FUCK. AT HOME.

Here’s Samuel L. Jackson’s full interview on Jimmy Kimmel Live

[embedded content]

And here’s the uncensored version of the reading, since that’s definitely what we’re all here for.

[embedded content]

Long Haired Businessmen Video Conference with Will Ferrell and Will Forte

Long Haired Businessmen Video Conference with Will Ferrell and Will Forte

Look, we’re gonna give it to you straight, this isn’t business as usual.

However, just because these are unprecedented times, just because we’re in the throes of a global pandemic, that doesn’t mean you and your esteemed business colleagues can’t still get down to brass tacks. Sure, corporate HQ is closed and you’re pretty sure you just saw a tumbleweed roll down the street from your apartment window, but you know what’s not closed? Your home office. That’s right, baby! And somebody’s gotta make sure all the ducks are in a row and synergized.

Take it from these stunning professionals, the long haired businessmen.

These maned men of upper management, these exemplary templars of commerce, have really hit the ground running and taken to Zoom for all their meetings during the coronavirus pandemic. Inter-company facetime is so essential to make sure everyone’s on the same page, same paragraph, and it’s really helped them continue to think big picture. (And see small picture if they’re on gallery mode). The long haired businessmen know what’s important during an international health crisis like this, which is washing your hands, adhering to social distancing, reciting the company’s core values, and FiOS. Obviously. Love FiOS.

For more Long Haired Businessmen, click here.

CREDITS

Actor Will Ferrell
Actor Will Forte

Actor, Created by George Kareman
Actor, Created by Pat O’Brien
Actor, Created by Ben Wietmarschen

Post Producer Phil Loeb
Post Supervisor Cody Pereira
Editor Paul Smith
Graphics and Design Bryan Wieder

The Time Zack Morris Dated Slater’s Kid Sister

The Time Zack Morris Dated Slater’s Kid Sister

Zack Morris says the 1950’s were awesome, yeah for guys who looked like Zack, so they’re celebrating the problematic era with a sock hop at The Max.

Then does this shit. (“We’ll have a burger and a plate of fries”) Kill me now. Zack plans to torture sock hop attendees with his vocal terrorism.

Slater’s kid sister JB is back after a year abroad. Zack hasn’t seen her in a while. Let’s keep it that way.

Zack’s annoyed Belding wants to use his garbage throne for its intended purpose. Then drops his jaw like a Looney Toon upon viewing a woman.

Zack’s detailing how he’d fail to give her an orgasm when he gets distracted. (I see a chick that’s even hotter.) Slater’s sister, JB.

Zack, CEO of Wouldn’t Know What To Do With It If I Got The Chance Industries, gives a limp hug. Slater invites JB to wrestling practice. Zack insists on joining, despite having never gone before. (I’ve been a very bad friend.) I’m sure he’s about to turn that streak around.

Zack uses this time to ascertain JB’s single and drool. Slater wants to show JB his athletic progress! Zack says scram. Then whisks her away for a romantic burger, causing Slater emotional and physical pain.

Lisa wonders how Slater will handle Zack dating JB. Zack hasn’t wondered that once. He tells Slater he’s taking JB out without checking how this might make him feel. Slater feigns a smile but is understandably disturbed by this development.

Zack invites JB to the movies. Because she doesn’t know better, she accepts. Slater, desperate to stop this disaster, invites Tori to double date! And good he did. Zack got handsy with JB in the backseat, forcing Slater to swerve erratically to prevent a grope fest.

Zack resumes pawing his victim. Slater has to fake choking to keep his sister from getting violated during The Mighty Ducks.

Zack vows to take JB out again, sans Slater, and drag her to the sock hop for his acapella abomination. Slater suggests Zack will get bored of her like all the other girls, a truth Zack denies because he’s a liar.

Belding, fresh off a male sensitivity seminar, wants the boys to get in touch with their inner feelings while he wears a bear. Fine.

Zack grabs the talking stick to say this chews nut. Slater opens up about being betrayed. By a friend he trusted. Whoosh over Zack’s dull noggin. (Gee Slater who you talking about?, You you slimenball!) What he said.

Zack still takes JB to make out point. But Slater is in his head, thank god, preventing Zack from destroying JB’s life two fingers at a time. Zack says he’s finally concerned with Slater’s feelings now that they’re obstructing his roadside erection. The date is over. JB’s lucky day.

JB, with no clue of Zack’s horrific womanizing history, says Slater ruined everything with his well-placed concern.

Zack’s wearing his most solemn jacket and treating JB like she doesn’t exist. Slater apologizes for interfering. JB has to make her own mistakes. Colossal as they may be. And he has to take Zack’s word that she’s special.

Zack kisses the girl he’s been ignoring then does this. (2 seconds of music) He couldn’t get the choreography timing down? Amateur hour. Despite Zacks’s assurances JB isn’t like all the other girls, she certainly is. Because we never see her ever again. She got dumped by a tone def rhythmless skeez rag and probably fucking killed herself.

Let’s review.

Zack Morris, known sex criminal, set his lustful sights on his friend’s kid sister with no regard for Slater’s feelings. Then invited her to an enchanting evening of getting felt up next to her brother in a crowded theater. Then didn’t let Slater’s objections stop him until they blocked his blonde boner. Then he said he really liked her, when he really didn’t. He kicked her to the curb after he got what he wanted and never spoke of her again. Zack Morris is trash.


Check out Funny Or Die’s official line of Zack Morris Is Trash merch here: https://amzn.to/2De3olY

Check out Saved by the Bell on NBC: https://goo.gl/dXVC3a and official Saved by the Bell merch: https://goo.gl/cM2P6i


Actor/ Writer/ Editor Dashiell Driscoll

Intro Singer Jason Flowers

Post Supervisor Cody Pereira

Woman Accidentally Turns Herself Into A Potato During A Company Video Call

There have been many significant changes to regular life that we’ve all had to adjust to in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic. Things like getting ready to go grocery shopping by throwing on a DIY hazmat suit made out of garbage bags and duct tape, sanitizing every single card in our wallets multiple times a day, and conducting all work related business through e-meetings. While there’s no denying that video conference apps like Google Meet and Zoom are incredibly convenient and are now a huge part of many people’s work life, there’s also no denying that having to stare at your own dumb face on your laptop screen for 20 minutes to an hour kind of fucking blows. There are few things as humbling, sometimes deeply upsetting, as seeing the way you look in your shitty kitchen lighting, through the lens of a high-def Macbook webcam.

That right there is enough to ruin anyone’s day, but if you’re not careful, video conferences can go really, really wrong. Last week I saw a story about someone who took their laptop to the bathroom so they could listen in on a meeting, thought they disabled their camera but didn’t, and ended up pooping in front of all their coworkers. Fucking nightmarish. I would straight up flee the country. I’d change my name, move to the top of a mountain in Moldova, and no one would ever hear from me again.

On the other hand, sometimes happy accidents can make video conferencing go really, really right.

The political director at People for the American Way, Lizet Ocampo, started her week with a morning staff meeting. It was all business as usual, except Lizet had just installed a bunch of camera filters that connect with the video conferencing app her team uses — and totally forgot.

And then one of the filters activated.

And she couldn’t figure out how to turn it off.

So she spent the entire meeting as a potato.

Computer, enhance

Woman Accidentally Turns Herself Into A Potato During A Company Video Call

Lizet took it like a champ, dubbing herself the Potato Boss. First of all, that kicks ass. Secondly, I think potato filters should be mandatory for all meetings from now on.

People Are Recreating Famous Artworks With Whatever They Have And It’s AMAZING

People Are Recreating Famous Artworks With Whatever They Have And It’s AMAZING

Week 3 of quarantine and I’m not sure what circle of hell this is but it’s definitely one of them. Everyone’s top priorities right now are 1. Not getting coronavirus, 2. Scouring the earth for a single roll of toilet paper, and 3. Not going completely insane. Honestly, which of those three things will end up being my undoing is a toss up at this point. It’s anyone’s game. This is the fourteenth article I’ve written about being in quarantine which means this is the fourteenth time I’ve had to figure out a new way to write about being in quarantine, so it’s safe to say I’m pretty close to a psychological break of “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” proportions.

Anyway,

People have gone to pretty impressive lengths to stay entertained and in good spirits while essentially being on house arrest, and so have some major institutions. The Getty in Los Angeles, like all museums across the country, is closed to the public for the time being. So, since nobody’s allowed to walk the grounds and marvel at the works of art throughout it, the Getty Museum posed an unconventional challenge to the public.

Recreate famous pieces of art using whatever they can find in their home.

And the results were GLORIOUS.

A BOT REVIEWS: Space Jam

A BOT REVIEWS: Space Jam

Space Jam is animation film about Mike Jorjan playing sporks on the moon with bigs bunky. Come on and slamp and welcome to the jamp, here’s your chance, do your dance at the Spice Jamp. Alllllllriiiiiiight.

Little boy Markel Jordan is shooting hooples in the backyard and dreaming of the future. He wants to play in NBA and then become crying meme. In the future he plays baseball as a secret punishment for gambling. Stop gampling, Michael! He is bad because there is no dunking in baseball. Oh fuck, and now Newman fell into the dugout. Michael decides to switch to gulf because Newman annoys all the shits out of him. Fukkuk Newmans.

Meanwhile in space, green Danny Devittle runs a themed park but it sucks so he wants to enslave the Looner Toons. His alien friends go to the center of the Earth where the cartoons live. Bugs and Duckman challenge the aliens to basketball so the aliens decide to get good at basketball.

The aliens use magic purple slime to steal the powers of Charlie Barkloz and Paltrow Yoowink. Now the basketboys play like dumbasses and the aliens become big, buff and so hot as hell i want to play with THEIR balls if you know what I mean. I mean their red, blue and green testicles.

Michael is doing golfing with Ghostbuster Bill and Lawry’s Bird. When Markelle reaches inside a holr, he disappears down the intestines and colon of the earth, out a butthole and into the land of cartoons. He is follows them to a dirtyass gym. The cartoons spit on the floor for seven hours and I wanted to vomit.

The hot colorful Frankensteins on steroids show up so now I’m covered in vomit but also very horneed. They turn Michael into a lil ball and do what they want with him. Do it to me, daddies please. I fanned myself off as Michaelangelo decides to play on a team with the cartoonies. Uh oh they are worse than the Knickerbockers so Michael is sad.

Suddenly, A female bunny with two gazongas says, let me on your team you bitches. All the males become full of sexual energy, Tweety lets out a tootie because he has never seen a girl do boxtellball. They are all drooling and they get cartoon boners. It’s very depressing and desperate.

Now the team is ready to play. The stadium is at full capacity, folks, the crowd is cheering folks. The tune squad is here: bucket bunney, gazonga bunny, stuttering ham, aggressive duck that spits, almond fudge, rooster boy, tootie, the beaver that spins and of course Miguelito Jordan

The opposite team is intimidating. They are colorful Frankensteins on steroids and they are dominating the game. It is not fair, they are bigger and the tunes are not focused because they gentle souls with low self esteem.

Other team gets violent and starts to beat up the nicies boys. Not playing fair. No NO nO no. The coyote gets chopped up into bits. Cat decapitated. Elmer is in a straitjacket. Grandma’s body is broken. Tweety in an iron lung. Holy shit. What the fuck. God dammit. What now Miguel, saviour to the tunes? He says Newman is the solution. Wow, great idea. Newman. Newman gets round ball inside saggy hoop. Also Billy Murray, respected actor. Billy only does one pass. more like sucky murray. Jordan’s arm becomes long and deformed. He Scores final point. We got ourselves a winning team.

Ok Daddy Michael must return to earth. Sad. He must attend a Baseball game which is a different sport. He lands in a spaceship and there is a song playing about believing you can fly. Oh Oh, problematic.

The movie ends with a regular basketball game, everything is normal except a song by a man called seal is playing.


Writer: Tamara Yajia

Writer: Ben Rosen

Editing/GFX: Paul Smith

This Adele Parody About Being Stuck Inside Is So Cathartic

This Adele Parody About Being Stuck Inside Is So Cathartic

People all across this nation are continuing to adhere to social distancing rules outlined by the CDC, as well as orders implemented at a state or regional level like Safer At Home, and I think it’s fair to assume that some all of us are beginning to go a little bit completely insane. Even the introverts among us (like me) are starting to get that cabin fever itch, and if we’re not careful, if we start to lose our grip even a tiny bit, who knows where that psychological spiral leads.

Try not to think about it too hard. It’s a dark, dark place.

I’m sure you’ve heard all sorts of methods folks are using to keep themselves sane. Yoga, painting, picking up a new hobby, learning a new skill, binge-watching every single show ever made, weird stress-cleaning like aggressively scrubbing all the baseboards in the apartment, that kind of normal stuff. And all of that is great!

But… have you tried expressing your feelings through song?!

Singer-songwriter and former contestant of The Voice, Chris Mann, has used his talents for the greater good and created a parody of Adele’s “Hello” that is just as, if not more, gripping and emotional as the original. In “Hello (From The Inside)” Chris turns everyone’s new “corona life” reality into words, like how we all could definitely use a shower and a goddamn BURGER WITH CHEEEEEEEESE.

[embedded content]

This Driver Announces Her Divorce In Rush Hour

This Driver Announces Her Divorce In Rush Hour

Marriage is hard, but rush hour traffic is harder.

In relationships, there is compromise (and if there isn’t – y’all can just break up!). However, rush hour traffic loves no one: no matter how carefully you plan your route to ensure you won’t be late, rush hour traffic will selfishly cause unprecedented slowdowns and senseless lane closures that will make you so late for work that that your co-workers will start to think you’re a careless asshole when really: it was traffic’s fault! It’s always traffic’s fault!

Though traffic will always break your heart (and make you late for anything important), Alex Greer found a couple that will restore your faith in humanity: Laura (and her “colleague” Timo).

Hey, Internet, meet Laura, custodial manager and soon-to-be divorcee:

The most important things to know about Laura:

  1. She loves parrots more that her significant other because birds are “cleaner”
  2. She owns a Now That’s What I Call Shrek CD
  3. She has a boyfriend with *very* sexy biceps
  4. She carries both tarot cards and bible bookmarks in her glovebox and does not fear religiously-fueled spontaneous combustion

The Traffic Show on Funny Or Die

Starring Alex Greer, who along with his GoPros, an iPhone and hand-held mic, jumps in your car to bring some revelry to your rush hour commute. Bedecked in suit and tie — and a surprising willingness to put himself in harm’s way — the host of Funny Or Die’s The Traffic Show helps turn the 5:00 mess that rush hour gridlock into a talk show studio to make you laugh.


Created, Produced, Directed, and Written by Alexander Greer and Joe Saunders

Production Assistant: Annie Mae Coleman

Follow THE TRAFFIC SHOW on Social:

www.instagram.com/thetrafficshow

www.facebook.com/thetrafficshow

www.twitter.com/thetrafficshow_

Jack Black Has TikTok Now And Honestly, Thank God

Jack Black Has TikTok Now And Honestly, Thank God

Some of us are in week two of quarantine, some of us are in week three, but it’s impossible to tell in any case because it’s all blurring together. What day is it? Muesday, March 98th? That sounds about right. Not only do we all need some kind of entertainment to keep our spirits up, we need it to stay sane.

So, on that note,

Jack Black made a TikTok account.

If there is one thing I didn’t know I needed but I absolutely needed during this severely bleak time in history, it’s Jack Black dancing to pop music in cowboy boots and not much else. This does two things: breathes life back into me, and also affirm that throughout all this chaos, Jack Black is still doing okay, and I am immensely grateful for both.

Enjoy, retweet, sign up for TikTok purely for Jack Black.

John Krasinski Sharing Good News Is Exactly What We All Need

John Krasinski Sharing Good News Is Exactly What We All Need

I think we can all agree that right now, everyone could use two things. First, more toilet paper. Second, more good news. That’s why Jack Ryan and A Quiet Place star John Krasinski has taken it upon himself to start a new show while social distancing, Some Good News. Fuelled by submissions gathered from his Twitter account using the hashtag #SomeGoodNews, this show does exactly what the name implies, and shares some good news with everyone watching.

He’s got the camera changes and editing down perfectly. Watch out, late night.

Like any great news programming, John isn’t the only one on Some Good News, he’s got a great guy in the field as the Entertainment Correspondent — none other than his The Office co-star, Steve Carell.

Together, those two unpack some truly wholesome things going on in the world today, reminisce about their time together on The Office, and try really, really hard not to break on camera.

[embedded content]

Randy And Kevin Have To Face Their Biggest Challenge Yet — The Truth

Randy And Kevin Have To Face Their Biggest Challenge Yet — The Truth

This is it, folks.

Kyra, after her arduous journey to find the only copy of Footlong and the bike needed to play it, has returned to find Bacon Industries completely out of control. Like, Disneyland-level out of control. And the most shocking part of all of this? It’s HER fortune that’s been used to fund everything. As if Kyra needed another reason to distrust Randy.

Inside Bacon Industries, Kevin, Matthew McConaughey, Randy, and the rest of the crew sit down for their first table read. It doesn’t go super well, probably because Matthew is still under the impression that Kevin has a terminal illness and can’t stop crying, and Kevin, noticing that something is definitely off, isn’t so sure about this project anymore. But that’s not even the worst part of the day.

When Kevin and Randory arrive back home from their first table read, Kyra’s waiting for them… ready to show Kevin Footlong and finally expose Randy’s lies.

What happens next? Well, you’ll have to listen to find out.


The Last Degree of Kevin Bacon is available now, only on Spotify.

How Does The Story Of Kevin And Randy End?!

How Does The Story Of Kevin And Randy End?!

This is it, folks.

Kyra, after her arduous journey to find the only copy of Footlong and the bike needed to play it, has returned to find Bacon Industries completely out of control. Like, Disneyland-level out of control. And the most shocking part of all of this? It’s HER fortune that’s been used to fund everything. As if Kyra needed another reason to distrust Randy.

Inside Bacon Industries, Kevin, Matthew McConaughey, Randy, and the rest of the crew sit down for their first table read. It doesn’t go super well, probably because Matthew is still under the impression that Kevin has a terminal illness and can’t stop crying, and Kevin, noticing that something is definitely off, isn’t so sure about this project anymore. But that’s not even the worst part of the day.

When Kevin and Randory arrive back home from their first table read, Kyra’s waiting for them… ready to show Kevin Footlong and finally expose Randy’s lies.

What happens next? Well, you’ll have to listen to find out.

Tune into Spotify’s Instagram for a very special LIVE CHAT with Kevin, Kyra, Matthew, and Dan Abramson!


The Last Degree of Kevin Bacon is available now, only on Spotify.

Check Out What The Hosts Of Late Night Were Up To This Week

Check Out What The Hosts Of Late Night Were Up To This Week

Just because late night hosts aren’t taping their usual programming from inside a studio doesn’t mean they’re all about to leave us high and dry, no no.

Out of the goodness of their hearts (and probably a smidge of boredom) the hosts of late night have started recording and uploading monologues from the confines of their respective homes.

Since they’re not in their usual work environment, they’ve all had to get creative and do the best with what they’ve got. Which means Jimmy Kimmel’s son sings his opening theme, Jimmy Fallon holds up his own logo scribbled on a sheet of paper, and Stephen Colbert sits behind a wall of bubbles in his bathtub instead of behind a desk. So the production value isn’t quite the same, but hey! It’s RAW, it’s REAL, it involves CHILDREN’S DRAWINGS, and you gotta respect that.

What’s everyone been up to lately? Well,

Stephen Colbert changed a bike tire

[embedded content]

It was touch and go for a moment there but he got it done.

Jimmy Kimmel played Friends trivia with Courteney Cox

[embedded content]

Can you believe she, Monica herself, actually had to BUY Friends on Amazon Prime?

Jimmy Fallon hung out with John Legend

[embedded content]

And his kids, very brutally, did not feel like laughing at his jokes.

Trevor Noah talked to the one and only, Dr. Fauci

[embedded content]

Okay so it’s not technically “late night”, whatever, time is a construct, shut up.

Seth Meyers gave us all an update on Trump’s insanity from the comfort of his library

[embedded content]

Seriously, the guy has a library with a LADDER. Why are we not talking about this??

The Time Zack Morris Was A Domestic Abuser

The Time Zack Morris Was A Domestic Abuser

It’s marry your classmate week at Bayside. A thing every school does. Zack’s overjoyed about his academically arranged marriage to Kelly and plotting his imminent assault.

Jessie declares no woman is a man’s property. Zack declares Kelly his property.

Zack tells everyone he knows what sex is and plans to have it with his fake school wife. Jessie doesn’t want to sacrifice a career for marriage. Zack will make that sacrifice so Kelly can work while he does jack diddly.

Kelly asks what Zack values in a relationship. Mouth stuff.

(Kelly Morris. I’ve died and gone to heaven.) We should all be so lucky. Belding assigns a scenario in which Kelly staggers home after a major car accident. Zack’s response? (Who cares? Kiss me.) Belding requests, please don’t whip it out in a classroom. So Zack explains Kelly’s emotions to her, says shut up, then proceeds with Operation: Whip It Out In A Classroom.

Belding assigns kids to the couples. (He’s not my son, must’ve bene a mixup at the hospital.) Zack Morris makes Woody Allen look like father of the year. Kelly, kind soul, embraces her child.

Zack’s scorned kid is acting out, vandalizing school property over his unrequited love for Lisa. Slater steps up to be the man Zack isn’t by raising his son. Slater, who is now Lisa’s dad in this fully normal project, offers to help set up a date.

Zack uses more class time to say he’s chubbed up then make a move on Kelly. When his son wants attention, Zack uses physical force and violent threats. Kelly tries protecting Screech, but Zack continues his Domestic Abuse Jr. seminar. (Mommy Call 911!) Don’t stop there, the FBI and IRS should probably take a look at him, too. Zack offers a disingenuous, “I love you,” that Screech sees right through.

Great news. Kelly’s pregnant! Zack’s revolted and turns his back on his growing family. Kelly doesn’t want a man who hates his children. She walks out on Zack. Kelly, please, keep walking. Zack, who just pushed Kelly away, can’t figure out why she’s leaving.

Slater wants to support Jessie’s career and is thrilled about having children. (Why? Because I’m a good father.) How refreshing. Screech arrives to take Lisa to the movies. But she’s not interested. Oh well! At least Slater tried.

Except Screech reveals Slater only offered the date if Screech would do the community service of accelerating Zack and Kelly’s inevitable split.

Slater tells Belding he did it to keep Kelly away from Ted Blondey. But while Slater has the cognizance to reflect on what he could’ve done differently, Zack farts out a worthless sorry.

Belding gives the gang a chance to finish their totally routine project at the diner with the magic waiter who never met a health code he couldn’t make disappear. Slater comes to the mature conclusion that he and Jessie have fundamental differences that would prevent a happy relationship.

Zack backpedals on having kids to dupe Kelly. He pretends to miss their son. Then slams a lid on his face. He says anything he thinks Kelly wants to hear to trap her. Then once again tells the Principal he’s very horny.

Let’s review.

Zack Morris took a class project as a blank check for his carnal fantasies. And despite repeatedly stating he ONLY cares about his wife for sex, was wholly uninterested in what sex produces. When the child he disavowed lashed out, poor Slater picked up the slack then got in trouble for trying to save a mother and her son from an abusive household. And while Slater learned to be honest with yourself in a relationship, Zack learned to lie his ass off. Not a new lesson for Zack Morris. Zack Morris is trash.


Check out Funny Or Die’s official line of Zack Morris Is Trash merch here: https://amzn.to/2De3olY

Check out Saved by the Bell on NBC: https://goo.gl/dXVC3a and official Saved by the Bell merch: https://goo.gl/cM2P6i


Actor/ Writer/ Editor Dashiell Driscoll

Intro Singer Jason Flowers

Post Supervisor Cody Pereira

Five Cold Opens That Are Guaranteed To Crack You Up

Five Cold Opens That Are Guaranteed To Crack You Up

A good comedy series needs to have quality jokes and entertaining storylines throughout, but there’s no better way to get an audience hooked on a show and in it for the long haul than a great cold open.

Some television writers use cold opens to launch right into a storyline with the intent of making whoever is watching go, “oh well I just gotta know how this plays out,” and others treat it as almost a mini sketch, separate from the actual events and that may or may not follow the general theme of that episode, which allows for different jokes and a different way to get to know the characters. No matter the approach, the most important thing is that it’s funny. Those first few minutes before the title sequence and opening credits are what will make or break a viewer’s interest in any show, and if done well, often that will become the fan-favorite moment of the whole episode.

Here are five of the best cold opens that are guaranteed to make you laugh as well as want to start bingeing these shows right now.


Schitt’s Creek S3E11 — STOP SAYING LICE

[embedded content]

IS ANYBODY ELSE ITCHY NOW


Parks and Recreation S3E9 — Ron Swanson pulls out a tooth

[embedded content]

The ultimate power move


Letterkenny S2E3 — Squirrely Dan gets a little too candid about his relationship

[embedded content]

Well it’s impolite to kiss-and-tell


The Office S5E13 — Dwight’s insane fire drill

[embedded content]

“WE’RE TRAPPED, EVERYONE FOR HIMSELF”


Brooklyn Nine-Nine S5E17 — Peralta makes the lineup sing ‘I Want It That Way’

[embedded content]

Probably the most jarring end to a Backstreet Boys song ever


John Wick And James Bond Just F*ck Already

John Wick And James Bond Just F*ck Already

The sexual tension between John Wick and James Bond is insane.

And there’s so many reasons they should be together! Wick and Bond work similar hours – which means they would be home at the same time to kiss (and bandage) each other’s boo-boo’s. They both clearly love the gym (y’all see them shirtless at 0:59? HOT DAMN), which means they could be workout buddies – how cute would that be!?

Plus… they both come from grim pasts and routinely have to kill people. Before they found each other, who did they even vent to? Probably no one since their past and present tramas included top-secret classified (and/or legally damning) information. Wick and Bond will be able to console each other mentally (and physically) like no one has before.


CREDITS

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

Hello, fellow self-quarantiners!

Quarantinees? I dunno

While we’re all continuing to do our part in protecting ourselves and stopping the spread of coronavirus, this also means we’re fighting another battle: Boredom. Thankfully, March brought with it a few new kickass comedy specials that you should absolutely use this time to indulge in.

Check ‘em out!


Marc Maron
End Times Fun

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

Marc Maron wades through a swamp of vitamin hustlers, evangelicals, and grown male nerd children, culminating in a gleefully filthy end-times fantasy.


Tom Segura
Ball Hog

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

Tom Segura scores laughs with uncomfortably candid stories about mothers, fathers, following your dreams — and other things you’d rather not think about.


Taylor Tomlinson
Quarter-Life Crisis

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

People keep telling Taylor to enjoy her 20’s. Loser boyfriends? Bad decisions? Broken engagements? Yeah, she’s having the time of her life.


Bert Kreischer
Hey Big Boy

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

Ever the stand-up party animal, comic Bert Kreischer riffs on parenting and family life, being a gun and pet owner, his dad discovering pot, and more.


And once you’ve plowed through all of those, here are some of our favorite comedy series to binge next!


Schitt’s Creek

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

This Canadian series follows the elite and completely out-of-touch Rose family as they rebuild their lives from scratch after being conned out of their fortune. Written and produced by father-son duo Eugene and Dan Levy, it’s as quick and clever as it is silly, and demands your full attention. Plus, Catherine O’Hara’s dialect is the most glorious thing to ever be borne of the English language.


Sex Education

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

This show is only one season old, but it packs a lot into its first eight episodes — and season two drops later this month! There’s no shortage of coming-of-age comedies out there, but how many of them revolve around a teenage boy trying to act as the high school sex therapist, and his mom who actually is a sex therapist? Sex Education is awkward in all the right ways, relatable to anyone who’s had to figure out their way through adolescent relationships, and chances are you’ll probably even learn a thing or two.


The Good Place

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

Ramping up for its fourth and unfortunately final season, this is the perfect time to binge The Good Place. Although the notion of what lies beyond death is usually a pretty heavy topic, this series is anything but. It’s whimsical, imaginative, full of unexpected twists, and a story you definitely haven’t been told before.


Grace and Frankie

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

I know this is a very bold statement, but Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin have never been better. Their yin-and-yang dynamic is hilarious, endearing, and perfectly balanced. While this show first and foremost proves that comedy isn’t just a young person’s game and doesn’t pander to anybody, Grace and Frankie also breaks every stereotype about seniority and what it means to grow old. Ageism is bullshit, and this series is a riot no matter how young or old you are.


Bojack Horseman

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

Although it’s a cartoon filled with talking animals, Bojack is one of the most accurate depictions of niches like Hollywood and the entertainment industry as well as universal experiences like unhealthy or traumatic childhoods, mental health, relationships, navigating adulthood, and learning to grow the fuck up. This series is absolutely one of the most genuinely hilarious and clever shows currently running, but also gets very, very real. Be prepared to cry as hard as you laugh, and probably keep your therapist on speed-dial.


The Last O.G.

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

This series is still in its infancy with only two seasons so far, so now is the perfect time to become a fan. Created by the brilliant Jordan Peele and featuring a roster of heavy-hitting comedians like Tracy Morgan, Cedric the Entertainer, and Tiffany Haddish, The Last O.G. should definitely be the next show you queue up. But reserve your judgement until season two, the first season was definitely about everyone finding their groove and was a bit of a rocky start. This show takes a hilarious approach to a very real and all too common narrative: life after incarceration. It’s the perfect blend of comedy, social commentary, and scary truths.


GLOW

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine

GLOW follows struggling actress Ruth Wilder, her best friend-turned-enemy Debbie Eagan, washed up and troubled filmmaker Sam Sylvia, and a whole host of misfits and social outcasts as they try to successfully launch a new wrestling organization — the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. Beyond being hilarious and over-the-top as anything involving wrestling and the 1980’s should be, every single character who inhabits this series is incredibly complex, deep, and wonderfully human. You’ll come for the wrestling, but you’ll get so much more. Get ready to be surprised.


Neil Diamond Updated Sweet Caroline’s Lyrics To Remind Us To Wash Our Hands

Neil Diamond Updated Sweet Caroline’s Lyrics To Remind Us To Wash Our Hands

The two sentiments being echoed around the world during this coronavirus pandemic are 1. Wash your fucking hands, and 2. Stay the fuck inside. While we here at Funny Or Die have been hammering the latter over your heads, (and will continue to do so, seriously, stay home) we’ve been a little light on the former.

The CDC-approved method is washing your hands for a full 20 seconds, or the amount of time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” twice. Considering “Happy Birthday” is the worst song man has ever created, I personally think telling people to sing it twice while they wash their hands is a little counterproductive to the cause.

Luckily, there is an alternative!

Few people achieve the level of celebrity and impact across multiple generations as Neil Diamond, and now, the iconic singer has a musical message for all of us about COVID-19. Sitting in front of a roaring fire, holding an acoustic guitar, and accompanied by a Labrador retriever, (in other words, the only way I’ve ever imagined Neil Diamond) he reminded everyone to stay safe by singing his classic “Sweet Caroline” with a change in the lyrics.

Hands… washing hands…

Don’t touch me… I won’t touch yooooouuuuuuu

As well as being a complete friggin’ delight, I timed the song — both “Sweeeeeeet Caroliiiiiiine, (bah bah bah) good tiiiiiimes never seemed so goooooood” AND “Haaaaaaands… touching haaands… reaching ouuuuut… touching meeee… touching yooooouuuu” are 20 seconds long when you sing it if you hold all the notes, and if you’re singing Neil Diamond, obviously you have to hold those notes.

Has Kevin Managed To Win Randy Over?

Has Kevin Managed To Win Randy Over?

All systems are go for Frog and Toad are Friends, and Randy can finally ruin Kevin Bacon’s career for good. There’s just one tiny little hiccup preventing them from starting production.

They don’t have a script.

Yes, for as long as Kevin Bacon has been planning this movie, he never thought to write a script. So, the two of them decide to do what any professional film writer does to get the creative juices flowing: head to Tom Hanks’ cabin for a secluded writer’s retreat.

Meanwhile, Kyra Sedgwick is Closer-ing in on the last remaining copy of Footlong, the erotic Footloose parody starring Randy Beslow, which unfortunately is in the clutches of her sworn rival, Emily Deschanel.

Back at Tom Hanks’ retreat, things are going well… almost too well. Randy and Kevin aren’t just getting along, they’re… having a really great time? And they have so many things in common, like their mutual hatred of still water?!? Randy came here to write this script so he could destroy Kevin before he kills him in cold blood, but by spending time together and writing Frog and Toad are Friends… they might just become friends.

Will Randy be able to hold firm to his plan? Or will he put his lifelong grudge aside and give in to the power of friendship?


The Last Degree of Kevin Bacon is available now, only on Spotify. New episodes drop every Monday.