Put on your detective hat (and a warm coat), there’s a very, very cold case to solve.
In Ontario, Canada during the winter of 1934, Harold Heaven disappeared from his cabin. Local police searched the woods and dredged the lake but Harold was never found, and with no more leads to follow the case was unceremoniously closed as a likely suicide. Now, 85 years later, Harold’s great-great-nephew Mike attempts to solve this coldest of cold cases, with the help of his extended family and his true-crime-obsessed best friend, Jackson.
Created by Executive Producers and co-stars Mike Mildon and Jackson Rowe (“Trophy Husbands”), For Heaven’s Sake is the perfect blend of comedy and true crime documentary you won’t be able to walk away from. For Heaven’s Sake is a Paramount+ original series produced by Muse Entertainment in association with Funny Or Die, CBS Studios and CBC, Canada’s national public broadcaster.
There are theories, secrets, and rumors abound, now it’s time they uncovered the truth.
All episodes of For Heaven’s Sake premiere Thursday, March 4 on Paramount+
Check back on March 4 for a link to every episode of For Heaven’s Sake on Paramount+
ViacomCBS’ existing subscription video-on-demand and live streaming service, CBS All Access, will be rebranded as Paramount+ on March 4, 2021 as part of the service’s expansion to feature content from ViacomCBS’ leading portfolio of broadcast, news, sports and entertainment brands. ViacomCBS will also bring Paramount+ to international markets with an initial debut in Australia, Latin America and the Nordics in 2021.
Millennials have ruined the housing market, department stores, chain restaurants, and many other industries, and now, they’ve joined TikTok – but surprisingly, they haven’t ruined it. In fact, they’ve actually made it… better?
This is AWESOME because I have (finally) been able to send my co-workers TikToks that they actually relate to. Not only has this content gotten my older more mature friends and colleagues to download the app, but they’re starting to ACTUALLY send TikToks back to me. I FINALLY DON’T FEEL SO ALONE WITH MY LOVE FOR THE APP!! AHHH THE VINDICATION!!
Rod is one of my current favorite go-to Millennial accounts because watching his TikToks will give you an instant serotonin boost: he showcases the nuances of the Millenial experience in an honest yet funny way that both celebrates the media that shaped Gen Y and allows us to better understand what it is like to be a Millenial.
PLUS – his content is relatable to Millennials WITHOUT being condescending to Gen Z or dismissive of Gen X, which may help us avoid a generational war where we tear each other down for our generational flaws instead of building each other up for what we can do to contribute to a better tomorrow.
Rod has helped us ✨decode✨ corporate lingo
*This TikTok has personally helped me realize I have been awkward in multiple business meetings. This revelation both made me a better person while also destroying my self-perception.
-and has given us a peek into the life of an average Millenial:
Is this the reason Millennials can’t unwind on weekends without getting anxious about the impending work week? Is it due to being trapped in a corporate-run, capitalist country that has taught us to only value ourselves based on our productivity? Perhaps it’s the fact that the only relief we get from work is the occasional three-day weekend and (if you’re lucky!) two weeks of vacation every year? Hm… I’m starting to see why one in five Americans will experience mental illness in a given year.
-while also revealing the small ways Millennials ✨take back the power✨ when work tries to impede on Gen Y’s precious free time.
You may have us locked into archaic 40-hour workweeks that have been PROVEN to make employees less productive but Gen Y will flex their rebellion by logging off a few minutes prior to their shift ending. Take THAT corporate America!!
Many of Rod’s sketches involve framing the Millennial experience around popular 90s content:
His virality has proven that there is no greater love than the love between Millennials’ and the content created during their younger years
Does anyone know what this song is about? No. But as Will Ferrell said, “nobody knows what it means, but it’s provocative. It gets the people GOING!”
and no bigger heartbreak than when we see what was once cutting-edge technology becomes completely aesthetic, useless, and laughable:
I once had a kid ask me why we say “hang up” the phone, and that’s when I realized there are people who exist who will never experience “hanging up” a landline wall phone. Wild.
HOWEVER, though Millennial content cannot live on forever, Rod is helping keep these Gen Y classics alive by giving impeccable casting suggestions so that when Hollywood inevitably remakes the film – they don’t f*ck it up:
Awkwafina as the star of a reimagined Miss Congeniality!? HECK YEAH!!
Though Rod’s rise to fame on TikTok is due to his relentless love for all things Millennial, he isn’t living in the past – he’s also passionate about Gen Z pop culture and drama:
If you have no idea what Rod is talking about – it’s fine: just listen to Diver’s License by Olivia Rodrigo, then listen to Sabrina Carpenter’s Skin, and then come back to this video and you’ll understand his completely justified ✨fury✨
He uses his passion to keep Millennials (and any generation that’ll listen) informed on what’s going on with Gen Z and how it parallels with Millennial pop culture:
Do we care about Gen Z celebrity drama? Um… sometimes: it depends how hard the drama slaps. But is it important for us to understand how it resonates with millions of young people? Um, duh.
Just because Gen Z is young doesn’t mean we should be dismissive of their feelings. Look what happened when we dismissed Millennials’ feelings – they’re all in therapy now (and if they’re not, they probably should be lol).
Rod – you’re incredible: your viral comedy is intensely relatable to an entire generation, and you’re using your influence to create a deeper connection among the generations. Not all heroes wear capes, but all heroes use their talents for the greater good.
Your content has already been featured all over the Internet (Betches, Barstool, Elite Daily, US Weekly, E! News, etc) and you’re JUST getting started. We can’t wait to see what comes next for you.
Like my TikTok recommendations? Cool. Got better ones? Awesome! If there’s a TikTok account you think FOD should feature, send it my way: email@example.com
The saying goes “work smarter, not harder,” but what if instead of working smarter, you worked really, really hard creating a lie so elaborate it eventually involves the cops to avoid working at all? It doesn’t sound like the best plan, because it’s not, but it does make for a good story.
Police in Coolidge, Arizona found 19-year-old Brandon Soules next to a water tower, bound and gagged. He told the police that he had been abducted from his home by two masked men, then knocked unconscious by his kidnappers and driven around the town before being dumped by a water tower. Holy shit, right? This is a pretty major deal, or at least it would be if any of it were true.
After no evidence of the kidnapping whatsoever was found, Soules admitted that he made the whole thing up to get out of going to work.
But wait, there’s more.
Soules also told authorities that he was kidnapped because his dad hid a large stash of money somewhere in the town — which is also not true. Maybe it’s just me, but “I was kidnapped and left tied up alone in the middle of nowhere” feels like a sufficient enough excuse to get out of work. Throwing in “my dad buries his wealth in hidden locations like he’s a pirate which is why I was kidnapped” at the end is a touch unnecessary. That’s like calling in fake sick to work and telling your boss, “Yeah I have the flu. It’s awful, I’ve got the thickest mucus pouring out of my nose non-stop, it’s like a fondue fountain. Not to mention the hot liquid shits that fire out of my ass every 20 minutes. Essentially I’m just exploding out of every hole. Anyway I’ll be in tomorrow!”
All you gotta do is say you’re sick, man. Just stop there, for the love of god.
On top of everything about this plan being a completely terrible idea, Soules made the critical mistake of not wiping the security camera in his home that clearly showed he was not kidnapped. Not even a little bit.
Honestly though, it takes some serious ingenuity to drop yourself off by a water tower without leaving some clear evidence that you just walked there, not to mention convincingly tying your own hands behind your back. His employer probably was not too impressed, but I am, Mr. Soules. I am.
Comedy, like all art, is subjective. What tickles the ol’ funny bone for you may be crickets for somebody else, and that’s fine! There are a few things, however, that damn near everybody is guaranteed to at least chuckle at.
For example, everyone loves a good word fumble.
You know, things like when you go to say “good” and “great” at the same time and end up saying “grood”. Or when third graders try to write out how proficient their parents are in the kitchen and “cook” becomes “cock”. Sometimes there doesn’t even have to be a mistake for words to be funny, the other day I saw an ad for a company called “Bibme, a Chegg service”, and holy mother of god that combination of words made me laugh so hard I almost puked.
Go on, try and say “BIBME, A CHEGG SERVICE” out loud without laughing. I dare you.
There are few things on earth as well-known and reliable for providing top quality word fumbles or just generally hilarious phrases as letterboard signs outside of businesses, and luckily for all of us, some generous soul by the name of Ghobsmacka on Twitter has compiled dozens of them in one place so we may all bust a gut together.
GET YOUR SHONGLES SHIT TODAY
TRY THE NEW
This seems like a perfectly appropriate message to me
WE DO GOT FISH
B U C K E T
RIED PICLES ARE BACK GET THE NO
Sorry for the inconvenience but right now we is out of
Em Schulz and Christine Schiefer are the creators and co-hosts of And That’s Why We Drink, a weekly podcast where they share true crime stories, paranormal encounters, and more than a few laughs. The podcast has been ongoing since 2017 with 264 episodes so far, boasting a whopping 80 million downloads, and the pair won the 2019 “People’s Voice” Webby Award for Best Comedy Podcast. Although Christine and Em attended the same grad school Boston, it wasn’t until they connected by chance in Los Angeles years later that they became friends and, subsequently, superstar podcasters. They chatted with Funny Or Die over Zoom to talk about keeping a successful podcast going through the pandemic and to give some words of wisdom to aspiring creatives.
This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.
Thank you both so much for joining me! I feel like a lot of groups of friends have like a moment where they look at each other and go, “we’re so funny” or “we’re so good at this, we should have our own show,” but it’s so interesting that you two took a different approach, which was finding common interests but not really knowing each other, and using the podcast to get to know each other. What’s it been like cultivating and growing such a successful podcast in tandem with your friendship?
Christine: Yeah. Who does that? What is wrong with us?
Em: I think we both took it as an opportunity to document a friendship from start to finish— or maybe it doesn’t have to finish. Hopefully. Christine is the one who introduced me to podcasts, so I think once I realized that this was a friend I didn’t want to lose I was like, “Well, why don’t we just try to make our own?” Worst case scenario, we have the beginnings of our friendship recorded.
Christine: Yeah. I have to admit this, when Em initially texted me I was like, “No thanks, I’m not really feeling it.” I can’t live that part down, but my boyfriend who’s now my husband was like, “You need a hobby, you need something to do after work, you’re depressed, you’re making a new friend, lean into it,” stuff like that. Then from day one, we were 100% invested.
I don’t think we ever realized it was going to be successful. I mean, we wanted it to be, but I don’t think we were ever naive enough to think like, “Oh, this is going to be the next big thing,” because we were working minimum wage assistant jobs in the entertainment industry. So it was more like a fun hobby, and I think that part of the reason it went well is we never took ourselves too seriously.
Em: Yeah, we [originally] met through film school, so we had just spent like two years being beaten down into believing that we’ll never make it big. We were just like, “Let’s do this thing for ourselves and no expectations.”
The format of your podcast is described in other interviews as ‘a true crime podcast with a comedy twist.’ But listening to it, I felt like it’s almost more of a variety talk show where you happen to talk about true crime and paranormal stuff, in that it’s very warm and casual and authentic. I feel like I’m sitting in a room with you, listening to you two hang out. Was that aspect of inviting your audience into your lives and being so open and personal there from the start or did that evolve over time?
Christine: I would say that was definitely from day one. Since Em and I were assuming only our mothers, if that, were listening, we were just kind of hanging out like we did every other night, but now we had a microphone in front of us. And we were learning about each other, like Em said. I think it’s episode 13 that I learned Em had gone to clown college and I had not known that before. So everybody who listens to the podcast got to learn that fun fact alongside me.
Em: I think it was really a blessing in disguise that we decided to start a podcast as strangers because it fuelled a need to fill empty space. We didn’t know each other, so we were just going to talk about ourselves and if someone wanted to listen, great. I’ve actually never heard anyone describe [the podcast] as that before, but I do like how that sounds. It would make sense why a lot of people seem to really enjoy the banter of it, because there’s a whole level beyond just storytelling. A lot of people who started listening from the beginning and have stayed with us feel like they became friends with us, because they got to know us at the same time that we got to know each other.
Has it been interesting building a loyal audience of people who are not solely listening for the paranormal and true crime stories, but who have also become so invested in you as people?
Christine: Definitely. Em and I have gotten recognized in public and the first few times were jarring, because it’s a radio show and you think, “Why would anyone know what I look like?” But people get involved in our social media and follow us on different platforms. I would say it was an adjustment period for sure. A couple days ago someone tweeted, “Oh, Christine I just found your husband,” because he works at the ER here in Cincinnati, they were like, “I was his patient!”
Em: It’s definitely been a fun adjustment. It feels nice to be recognized for something that people enjoy. I’m really not looking forward to the day someone recognizes me because they don’t enjoy it, like, “Hey! I hate your podcast!” But it’s been really nice, I know we’ve both made friends through it. I got to know [our listeners] because they came to so many of our shows and meet and greets, and eventually they just became recognizable. And now we have our own relationships outside of the show.
So with you both going through film school, what’s it been like finding success on the front end of the camera or mic, being the talent, not just the ones producing it? Is that something that you were prepared for or saw for yourself?
Em: I’m not prepared for it at all. Which is ironic, because we got an education to be prepared for it. It’s funny that, in some ways, we ended up in a completely different industry, like we went to TV school and now we have a radio show. It’s opened up doors, so even if we’re not in television right now, it could happen later. It’s definitely expanded our horizons.
Christine: In some ways I’m in kind of a different boat, because I always intended to do writing and a friend and I were doing clip shows and mini series on YouTube. I was always trying to do the next fun on-screen thing. I feel like that really helped— studying comedy writing, I had to do improv as well, and I think that all flows together for podcasting.
What’s it been like recording and producing during the pandemic? And also hitting your 200th episode milestone during the pandemic, which by the way, congratulations. That’s huge.
Em: Thank you!
Christine: Aw, thanks.
Em: It feels right that it would happen during a pandemic or some sort of catastrophe. But, I mean, first of all, I never thought we’d have 200 episodes. Recording has been quite an adventure this year, even before the pandemic Christine was like, “Oh, also I’m moving.” So it wasn’t a matter of when are we going to drive to each other anymore, it was now how are we going to see each other, period? We had plans of action and then the pandemic just kept ruining them. It’s been a nice game of cat and mouse to make things work.
Christine: There’s definitely been a lot of trial and error. I’m very glad that we did study what we studied. Sometimes it feels like, “We studied TV and I studied journalism and undergrad, what use was all that?” But at the same time I’m like, “Thank God I learned the basics of editing on my own,” because it made it a lot easier to adjust. I feel really fortunate that we are able to do our jobs from home during the pandemic. A couple episodes went out with apologies saying things like, “Sorry if we sound like we’re a mile away from the microphone,” but I think we’re figuring it out.
Is there anything that you two have learned or developed while in the pandemic that you’re going to apply to episodes in the future once we’re through all of this and have some normalcy back?
Em: I think that the whole world could probably say we’ve learned how to adapt to new situations. I think before [the pandemic] I was more anxious or worried about how we were going to get everything done under normal circumstances, but I think we’ve become a lot more accommodating to whatever environment we’re in.
Christine: I agree. We had, for example, a big tour scheduled for the spring and, like everybody else in the entertainment industry, our live shows were completely nixed. So being able to do virtual “live” shows instead of doing in-person shows and figuring out how to do bonus content for our Patreon supporters when we’re not in the same room has been, I think, a good lesson in creativity and winging it, which we’ve learned we’re both good at.
Broader than podcasting, do you have any advice for people wanting to either break into a creative field and/or who are considering unconventional career paths?
Christine: My advice is pretty much always the same. Em and I kept our day jobs until we felt confident that we were able to support ourselves through [And That’s Why We Drink]. While it was a dive off a cliff because we spent our savings on audio equipment and there was risk involved, we definitely waited before leaving our day jobs. My advice is pick something that you would do for free as a hobby anyway. If you go into something like podcasting expecting to make a living, I just don’t think that approach tends to work as well as if you’re 100% passionate and doing it for the fun of it first.
Em: If you go into it genuinely, people are going to be able to tell and will want to pay more attention, versus, I think, a lot of people can tell right away if someone’s in it for the clout.
Christine: It also reduces burnout. If Em and I picked a topic that we weren’t 100% invested in, we’d be less likely to have put 110% effort and time in. We were working full time, there was a point where I was working and planning a wedding, but the podcast was the fun part of everything I had on my plate. It is hard, it’s a lot of work, especially once it becomes at a business level, but if you really care and are passionate about it, it’s going to be a lot easier to hopefully transition that into an actual job.
Em, do you have any advice specifically for young gender nonconforming creatives looking to break into this kind of industry, whether that’s through podcasting or another medium
Em: This is a time where a lot of people have questions and we’re all in a space where we’re learning together. Even though I am not cisgender, I haven’t officially come out as anything yet because even I don’t know. But I think that’s really important, because there aren’t a lot of people out there who are in the public eye in some capacity who say, “Look even I don’t know and that’s okay.” I think this is a really good time for people to get educated or help others along the way or do something in that world, because people are looking for how to be the best ally possible.
Christine: Every time we do a live show, or even just on social media or through emails, people, especially parents will come up and say, “Em, you helped me understand my child who was trying to tell me they use they/them pronouns,” or what have you. It’s really cool to see people from all generations say, “the way you talked about [gender] made it easier for me to get it and accept people.”
Em: At least once at each live show, someone who’s queer will approach us and say we’ve helped them in some way. If we’re able to do that, if that’s a side effect of our show, then other shows out there can do the same thing.
Christine: Em taught me, even. You can hear in the beginning [of the podcast] I realized I was misgendering them because we hadn’t had that conversation, but you can hear the transition over time. Now if people are really early into the podcast and they say something to us, a lot of times other listeners will jump in and comment like, “Hey, I know you’re not at this episode yet, but just so you know, Em uses they/them pronouns.” It’s really fun to see people grow along with us.
Em: One of my favorite parts about our show is how everyone together has grown in understanding, whether referring to me or a gender-queer person they know. They probably think I don’t see it, but I’ve seen a few people in the comments defending me very kindly and politely if I get misgendered. It’s fun to see what we’ve taught people and watching them teach others.
As if a global pandemic wasn’t enough, a polar vortex has swept most of the continental US, bringing with it dangerous icy conditions and record breaking cold. Although Texas Senator and frumpy off-brand Wolverine Ted Cruz laughed at the California wildfires and how they impacted the state’s power grid just seven months ago, in a turning of the tables nobody wanted regardless of how you feel about him, Texas’ independent power grid run on all the fossil fuels and none of the regulation that Ted Cruz boasted would never fail, has failed. Massively.
Over three million Texans have been without power for days, no heat, no running water, pipes freezing and bursting, bare grocery store shelves. Don’t worry though, king rat fucker Ted Cruz found the perfect solution to beat the cold! Going to Cancun!
Oh, I’m sorry, did you think I meant he found a solution to help his constituents? Ha! What an idea.
After being caught in ultra HD and rightfully chewed the hell out by hundreds of thousands of people online (proof that bullying works), this slug in human form booked a return flight from Cancun the following day and released a statement claiming that he wasn’t going to stay in Mexico, he was merely dropping his daughters off there because he wanted to be a good dad.
He just happened to also pack a full suitcase and a beach tote to escort his kids on a 2.5 hour flight and then come right back.
You know, as one does.
Coming back to the completely organic, farm fresh bullshit statement he released, his plan to try and cover his own ass was literally blaming his daughters. I’m not a parent, but I’m positive that throwing your children under the bus when you royally fuck up isn’t in the guide book. Are we sure Ted Cruz isn’t actually just a human skin suit stuffed full of bugs? Is he a goblin that was ripped from the pages of an old European storybook intended to scare children? While we may never know for sure how it’s possible for a man to survive with a backbone made entirely of soft, room temperature butter, it is safe to assume that an actual stick of butter would make for a better Senator than Ted Cruz.
Here’s how you can help Texans right now:
Texas mutual aid funds you can donate to right now on Venmo and help someone live through this week:
They say that “everything is bigger in Texas” – I guess that includes the severity of their winter weather… right?
As a Midwesterner who has lived through decades of below-zero winters, it is tempting (and honestly fun) to make fun of Texans for not being able to handle their sh*t when the weather gets cold.
HOWEVER, this is beyond common sense: Texas’ infrastructure was literally NOT built for this and – as a result – has left millions without power, heat, water, OR a way to flee to warmer shelter. What’s (almost) worse: This unusual weather has exposed how outdated Texas’ power grid is (which could leave Texans with intermittent power for the next MONTH) and has served as a ✨harsh✨ reminder that Global Warming is real, ignoring it isn’t going to make ~magically~ it go away, AND if we don’t do something about it, we can expect more (and even worse) weather like this. Fun!
DESPITE ALL OF THIS: Humans are incredibly adaptive, and these 16 TikToks prove Texans are trying (and succeeding) at making the best of this severe weather situation:
The weather may be cold, but these Texan hearts are warm:
Even the innovative technologies of Elon Musk couldn’t outsmart Mother Nature
Elon Musk has been real quiet ever since this video came out…
Texans may lack winter weather knowledge, but you know what they don’t lack? Creativity.
… but circling back to the fact that Texans lack winter weather knowledge – PLEASE TEXAS STOP DOING THIS.
THIS CAN (AND WILL) BREAK YOUR WINDSHIELD AND YOUR CAR INSURANCE (and all your Northerner friends) WILL LAUGH AT YOU WHEN YOU TRY TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED.
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” So when freezing temperatures kills your power… use a power drill to make breakfast?
Breakfast of cold weather champions.
THE COPS CAN’T HANDLE THIS- HAHAHAHA
History has shown the police are undertrained to handle a lot of things, and now we can add “winter weather” to that list. Maybe this video will be the thing that gets police training extended to more than six months. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Even if this isn’t typical Texas weather – Texas is still Texas.
Is this a video of someone deicing their windshield with a Whataburger order number? It sure is!
Due to capitalism, many Texans still gotta work, and they’re doing their best to make it ✨work✨
Capitalism is stupid, but people’s resilience (and humor) is not.
Typically snow days are nightmares for adults but a dream come true for kids. HOWEVER – since the snowstorm has caused indefinite power outages, it has become a nightmare for everyone!
hey nOW, hEy nOw, thIS Is WhAT dREaMS ARe mAdE Of
Btw, y’all notice how Texas couldn’t be bothered to shut down for COVID, but was immediately shut down for this severe weather? Weird how that works…
*Screams in contradictions
Days with no heat + non-insulated homes + days of below-freezing temps = EVERYTHING INSIDE AND OUTSIDE FREEZES
THE FISHIES DESERVED BETTER
Btw, it’s warmer in Alaska than it is in Texas. Let that sink in…
This is probably the first time Alaska has been able to brag about anything.
To prevent pipes from freezing, local governments have asked Texans to drip their faucets, BUT EVEN THAT IS BACKFIRING.
THIS IS NOT RESPECTING THE DRIP KAREN
The cold weather came so suddenly people SCRAMBLED for food
This has major early-pandemic vibes. I hate it.
And has caused hazardous driving conditions
If you are able to stay home, STAY HOME.
But if Texans can survive Hurricanes, Tornados, and just… Texas life in general… they can survive this. We believe in you Texas.
So after watching all of this, you should probably are wondering: “how can I help!?”
You’d think that after almost a full year under coronavirus lockdowns (dear GOD) we’d have all become pretty used to the pandemic changes and “new normals”, yet here I am still walking all the way to the grocery store entrance before I realize I’ve forgotten my mask and panicking during Zoom meetings because it’s my turn to talk and I can’t find the unmute button. Fortunately for me and anyone else who’s still struggling with the basic functions of virtual meetings, we’re not alone.
In Texas this week, attorney Rod Ponton attended virtual proceedings via Zoom as a cat.
A first for not only the Texas Judicial Courts, but likely in any American court. Virtual or otherwise.
When the proceedings commenced, the presiding Judge Roy Ferguson quickly noticed that one of the attending lawyers, Mr. Ponton, had accidentally turned on a filter that turned him into a kitten that, while adorable, definitely does not look qualified to practice law. Ponton explained through the tiny kitten mouth on-screen that he and his assistant were trying to fix the issue and noted that “I am not a cat”, which I hope was included in the official transcript.
I don’t know which is better, Cat Lawyer or Potato Boss, but what I do know is whoever created filters for virtual meetings and made them so damn hard to disable deserves a raise.
Valentine’s Day can be a bit of a slap in the face if you’re not part of a happy coupling, and looking back on it I realized I’ve had some abysmal Valentine’s Days, so in an attempt to make myself feel better I reached out to my twitter followers and my friends to ask for some of their worst V-Day stories. Folks, there were some doozies.
One thing that everyone on this earth knows to be true, regardless of where you’re from or what language you speak, is that small things are adorable. Specifically, miniature versions of things that are usually people-sized. That’s why Converse or Timberland boots for babies are so goddamn cute, they’re like regular shoes!! But small!!!! That’s also why things like “Tiny Kitchen” exist and do so well, because we just really love miniature stuff.
You know what else we love? Animals in human clothes. Seeing a French bulldog in a yellow raincoat tickles us just as much as seeing a bird bath shaped like a vintage-style bathtub with a tiny rubber duck.
So what do you get when you combine absurdly miniature things with animals in human clothes?
Joy. Pure, unadulterated joy.
Chris Newsome is a savvy imgur user and also my new favorite person. I’m not sure where he’s from, but wherever it is there are toads, and this one in particular liked to hang out on Chris’ porch.
Look at that chunky lil guy.
One day Chris looked at this toad and decided “he needed a hat,” so he gathered some crafting materials and whipped up the resident toad a stylish little chapeau.
And y’know what?
He was right.
The toad absolutely needed a hat.
D A P P E R
Since this toad appeared to not only love his new pink hat but also rocked the shit out of it, Chris realized he couldn’t simply stop there. This top hat was all well and good — for an average toad. But not for an incredibly fancy, high-end toad, as we know this one is.
So he made some adjustments.
Oh he is beyond ready to stroll through town with his betrothed, laughing about the poor and other such rich toad things.
And I am absolutely thrilled to say that it does not end there. This is a toad of many hats.
Check out the newest artist in the hip-hop scene. Mostly hop.
♫ Like a rhinestone cow-toad ♫
A fez, from his time abroad.
He’s so sophistica-toad.
Working class, blue collar (green collar?) toad.
He definitely looks like a site manager who doesn’t take any bull(frog).
Everything has been bad for a long time. All of 2020 was bad. All of it. Start to finish. If that wasn’t bad enough things weren’t even magically better at 12:01AM on January 1st 2021, which, to me, feels like a scam. Today, though, there is some good news.
And boy, howdy, it is good.
Although it feels like the world is growing smaller and smaller, every so often science comes through to remind us all that hey, actually, this bitch is huge and there is so much we don’t know. Case in point, last week not one, but two new animals were discovered. Earlier in the week it was announced that researchers have identified a new species of whale in the Gulf of Mexico, and as cool as that is (truly not trying to take anything away from you, Rice’s whale), that’s not what we’re here to talk about.
Today we’re here to marvel at this little bastard.
The researchers responsible for finding this small and equally angry man pouting in northern Madagascar are saying this is possibly the tiniest reptile on the planet, and y’know what? I believe them. To me this new nano chameleon looks like a Barry, or perhaps a Gerald, but his official name is Brookesia nana, shortened to B. nana.
B. nana, the sour-puss nano chameleon. Hello, Pixar? Are you writing this down?
I’d imagine it’s hard to be taken seriously as a 13.5mm long lizard essentially named banana, however because the females are larger than oh-so-miniscule males, that means they have to have pretty —aherm— substantial junk to do the deed. So, hey, chin up, guy! You may be small, but you’re big where it counts.
You know what they say, the smaller the chameleon, the larger the trouser snake…?
… until TikTok creator, Celina Myers, set up cameras inside (and outside) of her home to capture her out-of-control (and now insanely viral) sleepwalking adventures.
When she held her chest and said “womp”… I felt that. I feel like anyone with a chest has done this at least once.
For the sake of our entertainment, Celina has been intentionally triggering her sleepwalking by eating chocolate or cheese before bed (but for safety reasons, she has her husband Adam stay up and supervise her sleepy shenanigans). Celina, if no one has said this to you, please know: you are a hero. We appreciate your sacrifice and bravery.
Bless you Adam for chasing after Celina when she sleepwalked outside and corralling her back into the house…
The sleepwalking journey started when Celina posted a video of herself after she had sleepwalked out of her hotel room and woke up naked and locked out of her room (whoopsies!). After the video’s intense virality (collectively the series has over 530 million views), she made the ✨correct✨ decision to start capturing and sharing her sleepwalking shenanigans.
Wanderlust can strike at any time, even while watching an animated series set in the frozen tundra of Alaska! And when you can’t physically travel there yourself, the next best option is a transformative ASMR experience into the world of The Great North, a new Fox animated series starring Nick Offerman.
Our ASMR artist takes us on a journey into the wild, creating a full sensory experience that captures the essence of The Great North, as well as the importance of respecting sell-by dates. He may not be a fisherman, an Alaskan moose, or know how to squeeze syrup on pancakes, but he certainly knows how to help you escape to Alaska using only the power of whispers.
Listen. The pandemic has been hard on everyone, and we’ve all been coping in different ways. Probably somewhere around 30% of Americans have become addicted to baking sourdough bread, I’ve become way too emotionally invested in the lives of the birds that come to my bird feeder and a lot more lenient about the definition of “clean” laundry, and the other day I saw a guy drop his keys twice in a row on the sidewalk and scream “FUUUUUUCK”.
We’re all going through it, and I’m not an expert but who am I to not extend that sentiment to involve our pets? I know for a fact my dog is tired of staring at my face all the time, based on how much time he spends actively not looking at me and instead staring out the window now. And I can only imagine this much time forced inside with their humans has made the cats of the world more than a little crazy.
So who am I to judge this cat who is zoned the hell out as he “drinks” water?
Sure, he’s not drinking the water, but he seems content enough.
No drinks, only vibes.
Is he an idiot as his human claims? That’s definitely a possibility. But my brain has also been reduced to, like, three cells max over the last year, so I ask you: who amongst us is NOT an idiot? Something to ponder.
There’s a lot going on right now, I know, but stop the presses! Everybody stop what you’re doing and listen up, because this is important. On Monday six bold individuals were arrested in Los Angeles for vandalism. What was their crime?
The turned the Hollywood sign into “HOLLYBOOB”
I don’t care who you are, this is peak comedy. I’d even go so far as to say this doesn’t count as vandalism, this is an improvement. Listen, we’ve been living under a pandemic for almost a full year now and things are, suffice to say, extraordinarily shitty. If there’s one thing we could all use right now it’s a good laugh, and you can’t tell me that boobs don’t put a smile on everyone’s face.
Speaking of boobs and how great they are, this stunt was coordinated by the CEO and founder of Shagmag Julia Rose and YouTuber Jack Tenney in an effort to draw attention to the completely prudish and bogus censorship rules implemented on various social media platforms and how they are unfairly implemented against and directly target sexworkers, which you can read more about here.
So, to Julia, Jack, and all the other pro-tiddy accomplices responsible for this masterpiece, thank you.
Trying to adjust to either mostly or entirely virtual schooling in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic has undoubtedly proved many challenges for both educators and students, and my hat is off to all of them. I can’t even imagine how difficult and strange it must be getting used to delivering lessons via Zoom, or only seeing your classmates through a screen. However virtual school has also presented unique opportunities that wouldn’t otherwise be available. For example, I bet the ability to mute your class at will is a bit of a godsend, and apparently students have figured out how to use these new circumstances to their advantage as well.
First there was “the dog ate my homework” then there was “oh, I emailed you my assignment but I guess it didn’t go through” and now is the age of connectivity issues.
Twitter user Chris Arnold recently shared that his wife is a teacher and one of her students has found a damn near foolproof way to get out of answering questions when called on— by changing his screen name to “Reconnecting”.
My wife is a teacher and apparently one kid has been changing his name to ‘Reconnecting’ during the Zoom lessons so that he doesn’t get asked any questions. Been doing it for weeks. The lad doesn’t need to worry about his education, he’s already a bona fide genius.