Internet changed us

Internet changed us

Related Funny Pictures:

Aida Osman On Forging Her Own Path In Comedy And How The Industry Needs To Grow


Aida Osman is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles, California. They spoke with Funny Or Die over Zoom to discuss their career, intersectionality in comedy, how the industry has changed in the wake of the Black Lives Matter movement over the summer of 2020, and what still needs to change for progress to continue.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.


Thank you for joining me! Let’s get into your origin story. How and when did you start in comedy?

I started doing stand-up when I was 19 in Nebraska. The very first time I did it, I was doing slam poetry comedy. I was trying to do a mockery of poetry slams. Oh my god, buddy, it was so bad. It was so fucking bad. I’m having flashbacks just thinking about it.

The second time I did stand-up was my senior year of college. I was like, fuck it, let me just try this, and I actually just read my tweets, which was such a stupid idea and not a good formula for anyone starting stand-up. But it worked because the tweets that I had been writing were essentially one-liners. Then I got really, really into comedy and was doing dive bar shows in Nebraska with six other local white comedians. Thriving, actually.

Aida Osman On Forging Her Own Path In Comedy And How The Industry Needs To Grow Courtesy of Aida Osman

And then you were in New York for a bit?

Yeah, I went to do Wild ‘n Out in May of 2019. After Wild ‘n Out was done, I moved there for the summer of 2019 and was doing stand-up, meeting a bunch of New York stand-ups, and just having a blast. Way too much fun. Then I moved to LA at the end of 2019 .

What was your beginning here in LA like? At what point did you get involved in writers’ rooms?

I moved to LA because I got the co-host position at Keep it!, this podcast at Crooked Media, which was great, but I still really wanted to break into comedy writing. You know this hustle, treating Twitter like a portfolio and writing every day, trying to fire off tweets like it was my fucking job. I’ve since calmed down, but that’s because I’m in writers’ rooms now. Now I don’t even know how to use that goddamn bird app. I no longer enjoy it. I’ve been saturated with all the ways people can be funny on Twitter. There was a while where I was posting raps and music—

That was the best era of Aida Twitter!

And I should come back! But after a certain point, you go into a Netflix meeting and they’re like, “You’re the pegging girl! You’re the girl who pegged boys in their booty hole!” It’s great, it gets you a job and Big Mouth executives love it, and you find your people in that way, I guess. It’s not embarrassing, but you don’t want to let it define you. I want huge projects. I want to write for all these different shows. I didn’t want to just be pegged as the pegging girl.

But I think I might bring that back, because I do want to find that world where rap and music and comedy can intersect. If it’s in a non-corny way, it can be some of the best comedy. I’ve had a squirting anthem in my head for like a year, I have stupid lyrics ready, it’s just about putting it together. The horrible part is the world has been falling apart ever since I released the pegging rap. I’m not saying that started it, but I’m not saying it didn’t. But there’s no gap to release a squirting anthem. The president’s getting impeached or Black Lives Matter is happening, and it’s like, well, here’s Aida with her squirting song…? What?? I’m trying to find space for it. It’s hard.

What’s it been like not only breaking into, but finding such success in different areas like stand-up and as a writer and podcast host, in such a heteronormative, cis, white industry, and becoming a trailblazer for other young, queer, Black creatives?

Whoa!

It’s a big question! We can take it down in pieces.

Oh my god. Being called a trailblazer at all, thank you, that’s insane. It’s so hard to be objective about what I’m doing, what I’m trying to do, and the reason why I started in the first place. I didn’t understand the world of comedy writing until I realized there was a lack of Black women and nonbinary people in it at all. I looked around and there are not a lot of nonbinary comedians or people who are willing to make jokes about their pronouns, and even just have the kinds of conversations about gender that I’m really excited to finally be having.

The success has been really weird. I don’t know how to define it. I feel like I’m always going to be dealing with imposter syndrome, but I also think that every good creator should. If I’m not in a room where I’m like, am I supposed to be here? I’m not working hard enough, I think. I feel most comfortable when I’m uncomfortable. So I feel good right now, but it is scary.

It’s scary to be in a [writers’] room and look around and realize that you are one of the few Black people in there, and that the executives and people are trying, but you still see the lack. You can’t help but see the lack. I think one of the hardest things is, as a Black person, you spend all this time going, “Black people are not a monolith. We have so many different facets to our being, stop trying to pigeonhole us,” but then you get to the writers’ room and nobody asks you to do it, but you feel like you need to be the spokesperson for Black culture and you feel like you need to nail it. You need to make sure you represent everyone. So there’s this burden that you’re putting on yourself, and that’s really daunting. I try to just be myself and let that be the representation, because that’s the only thing I can do.

Aida Osman On Forging Her Own Path In Comedy And How The Industry Needs To Grow Courtesy of Aida Osman | Photograph by Elijah Craig

Does that ever compound with also being nonbinary and queer and Muslim? Do those different facets intersect at all, or come with that same kind of pressure?

I still have yet to find a writers’ room where me being Muslim is even invited into the conversation. If there’s no Muslim characters, there’s no Muslim sensibilities. It’s becoming more apparent to me that if I want representation for someone who looks like me and has all the different facets of my identity, I’m going to have to make that character. Fox isn’t going to release a primetime show that is Muslim, nonbinary, and Black. I have to be the one to write that character.

I’ve yet to figure out where all my intersecting identities can come together and speak as one voice, but that’s uniquely my challenge, and that’s exciting. Nobody else can ever take my career or my story away from me.

I still find that we’re not having gender conversations in writers’ rooms. I wrote on one show where we’d have open conversations about gender with the girls, but still no openly nonbinary characters. That show is revolutionary in many ways, but we still don’t have any main characters who are openly trans or nonbinary. I’m excited to have shows where cisgender people aren’t always the main stars, but I haven’t even been in the room where that’s a reality yet. We’ve had a trans coming of age storyline on Big Mouth season 4, so we’re getting there. We really are getting there.

I feel like a lot of cisgender writers don’t write nonbinary and trans characters if they or the audience can’t immediately identify that they are trans and nonbinary by looking at them, or if that’s not the focus of their narrative.

We need more trans characters and trans actors that play roles where maybe it’s after the season is over when you’re like, “Oh, that person or that character is trans?” I also think it’s exciting to write characters that are nonbinary or trans and figuring that out, and their story is not tied to that figuring out. There’s no reason that my confusion or my experience with gender should be a device.

Yes, the purpose of trans and nonbinary characters doesn’t and shouldn’t have to always be trauma or struggle.

Yeah. I know that I have certain privileges being femme presenting, but it’s a unique thing to try to explain still feeling burdened, because it sounds like bullshit complaining, but it still hurts to have an identity that isn’t clear and recognizable to other people.

I tweeted recently, “Someone just called me sir in the airport and now my pussy is wet.” It was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. I wasn’t trying to even be masculine. It just happened. Someone called me sir and I was like, whoa! I got really excited and I tweeted that, and someone was like, “This tweet makes no fucking sense. What’s wrong with you? What do you want? You don’t even know what you want.” It was difficult for me, I was like, oh my God, that person is right. Maybe I don’t know what I want.

But I had to tell myself that is part of the wonder of my day to day. I don’t know and that’s okay, and accepting that lack of knowing so I can go be fucking great. So, more people call me sir. If you see me in the airport, call me sir.

Since you’ve been in LA, how have you seen comedy, or more specific spaces like writers’ rooms for example, change in the wake of the Black Lives Matter movement over the summer?

I’ve seen the beginnings of changes. I’ve seen large corporations beginning to sow the seeds for change. The next year to two are going to be really pivotal in proving that they still give a fuck about what we’re trying to say. I’m still so new to this industry and I feel so fortunate that I’m walking into a very safe environment, but a lot of growth still needs to be done.

Aida Osman On Forging Her Own Path In Comedy And How The Industry Needs To Grow Courtesy of Aida Osman

I think ten years from now in an ideal world, if I’m a showrunner and I have the ability to staff a writers’ room that is all Black genderqueer people, and not just a small show but a show on Fox or ABC, that is going to be when things have truly changed. Right now it doesn’t feel super palpable.

It feels like we’re in this transitional phase, where someone like me is still answering to all white executives. And sure, I’ll take white money all day, but I can’t wait ‘til I’m the one signing the checks to another Black creator. And hopefully they don’t have to go through what I’ve gone through, which is uncomfortable conversations with executives about how I deliver jokes or how I speak and a lot of microaggression in writers’ rooms, but that’s so much better than, say, five or ten years ago. I can’t even imagine what someone like Issa Rae or Kenya Barris had to go through. I feel like we’re in-betweeners, but every generation probably feels like that. Maybe in ten years people will be like, “We’re in-betweeners,” and robots run all the writers’ rooms.

While we’re in this transitional phase, what are changes you think need to be implemented by executives, and people running writers’ rooms, and showrunners, that could and need to happen immediately?

Large corporations need to be providing resources to marginalized writers, giving them script writing software, or access to a masterclass or somewhere they can get information. Transitioning from the stand up world, I didn’t know screenwriting existed until I was about to be hired as a screenwriter, and that’s such a fortunate experience, but I didn’t have the tools I needed to be the best that I could be in a writers’ room. And nobody’s telling little Black girls in Nebraska that they should go to school for screenwriting or playwriting, nobody gave me script writing software, or a laptop, or even the inspiration to do all of this.

I’m a strong advocate that all careers and passions are only seeds dropped into people’s pots. If there’s no seed being dropped into that pot, there’s no flower, no plant that can grow. I think large industry corporations in Hollywood need to have programs that encourage project submissions, and then have actual execution and follow through to promote those projects, and give [creators] the resources to make those projects.

Accessibility, resources, and promoting that this world even exists, and of course, just hiring more Black writers and more writers that are marginalized. I often see executives and people who have seats at the table just sitting there like, “Where do we find them? What are we to do?” The burden is on you to be in active pursuit of these people. You look goofy having Black characters and no Black writers. That should never be something that exists. You look goofy having trans characters without trans writers. In fact, you cannot tell those stories without having those faces in the room. It’s so vital that they do the work and find those people, because those people exist, they have social media, there are newsletters that are all about Black writers that want to be hired. Go find them. Don’t come to me. Don’t ask me, “Do you have any little friends that I could hire?” No. Go find them.

I have talked to so many white executives in general meetings and they’re like, “This is such a unique, fresh voice. We never met anyone like you.” And I’m like, what? You should be taking more meetings with Black creators. I should not be one of the first Black, Muslim, nonbinary people you’ve had on your couch.

Did you have anything that you wanted to plug?

Watch season four of Big Mouth on Netflix, be on the lookout for season two of Betty on HBO, and listen to Keep it! Wednesdays on Crooked Media. It’s a pop culture podcast that I do with Ira Madison III and Louis Virtel. We talk about the intersections of pop culture and politics, we get really messy, and it’s the reason why I’m blocked by a lot of your favorite rappers.


Follow Aida on Twitter and Instagram.

‘No Activity’ Season 4 Guest Stars Just Announced

Season four of No Activity, the first fully animated season, will find Special Agent Nick Cullen (Brammall) finally realizing his dream of joining the FBI — but his excitement won’t last for long, as he quickly discovers this job is not at all what he expected it to be. A seemingly dull observation detail takes a turn and becomes the potential beginnings of a career-defining case when he learns of an emerging cult, and when a massive operation takes aim at this cult, it’s unclear which side will break first. Although this promotion means his life is far from the same as it once was, Cullen’s path does continue to cross with that of his former partner Judd Tolbeck’s (Meadows), who is going through his own adjustment period with a new partner.

Along with Brammall and Meadows, this season will feature an incredible roster of guest stars.

‘No Activity’ Season 4 Guest Stars Just Announced
‘No Activity’ Season 4 Guest Stars Just Announced

Guest stars to watch for include Louie Anderson, Kevin Bacon, Jillian Bell, D’Arcy Carden, Rob Delaney, Elle Fanning, Will Forte, Kimberly Hébert Gregory, Udo Kier, Lamorne Morris, Oscar Nuñez, Hannah Simone, June Squibb, and Samara Weaving, as well as returning guest stars Joe Keery as Officer Reinhardt, the new partner of Tim Meadows’ Judd Tolbeck, Sunita Mani as dispatch operator Fatima, Jason Mantzoukas as an undercover FBI agent, Bob Odenkirk as Greg, and Amy Sedaris as dispatch’s mother hen, Janice.

Watch seasons one through three of No Activity on CBS All Access and get ready for season four coming soon!


NO ACTIVITY is produced by CBS Studios in association with Funny Or Die, Jungle and Gary Sanchez Productions, with animation production services provided by Flight School, and is based on the Stan original series produced by Jungle. The series is co-developed and executive produced by Brammall and Trent O’Donnell, alongside executive producers Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, Joe Farrell, Mike Farah, Joe Hardesty and Jason Burrows. Nina Pedrad, Steve Toltz and Becca Kinskey serve as co-executive producers. As in previous seasons, O’Donnell will also direct.

Shout Out To This Brazilian Wax Museum For Fueling My Nightmares

Shout Out To This Brazilian Wax Museum For Fueling My Nightmares

Hello, folks! We’re not even halfway through the first month of 2021 and already some pretty crazy, important shit has gone down. Oh, did you think I meant the fact that Donald Trump was just impeached, a second time, for inciting a violent insurrection on the US Capitol last week?

NAH.

I’m referring to something of equal importance to the country, which is that I just learned today that a church in Brazil showcased a bunch of amateur wax figures in 2015 and they are fucking terrifying. Although the exhibit itself was from six years ago, video footage of the exhibit has gained a lot of attention online over the past few days because, I will say again, these statues are FUCKING. TERRIFYING. The artist responsible for creating these horrific figures and cursing them with their own existence is Brazilian sculptor Arlindo Armacollo. On one hand it’s easy for me, a non-sculptor, to sit here and pass judgement on his work like it carries any weight, but on the other hand, Jesus Christ almighty.

If there are two things we have learned this week they are 1. Don’t tell your angry mob of supporters to attack the Capitol, and 2. Wax figurine sculpting is not for everyone and perhaps we should throw the whole medium out entirely.

In Remembrance of Neil Mahoney

In Remembrance of Neil Mahoney

Rest in peace Neil Mahoney.

Funny Or Die mourns the loss of our friend and former colleague Neil Mahoney. We join the chorus of comedians and creators who loved Neil.

Simply put, he was a great guy, always ready with a smile, a hearty laugh, and amazing creative instincts. Thank you Neil, we were honored to work with you and call you a friend.

In remembrance of Neil, we share a collection of some of his work with us over the years, as well as the comments and stories many others in the community are sharing.



Drunk History vol. 6 w/ John C. Reilly & Crispin Glover



Mummy! w/ Lizzy Caplan, Adam Scott & Martin Starr



Funny or Die’s Presidential Reunion



Death Bed Subtext w/ Topher Grace & Kate Bosworth



Intervention Intervention with Fred Armisen



Zac Efron’s Pool Party



Raaaaaaaandy Declares War on Justin Bieber



Tiffani Thiessen is Busy



“American Contestant” with Bob Odenkirk: Episode 1


Watch the full series here

The Bankers Box


Havin’ a Summah w/ Zooey Deschanel


The Therapist with Adam Scott, Brett Gelman & Lindsay Sloane


You can read more comments and stories about Neil by visiting the hashtag #neiledit on twitter.

TikTok Creators That Are Funny As F*ck & Make Comedy More Inclusive

TikTok Creators That Are Funny As F*ck & Make Comedy More Inclusive

TikTok has given so many weird, funny, and underrepresented creators the opportunity to get their stuff SEEN and grow an audience. Apps like TikTok make it so YOU can see the content you actually want to see, versus television and movies, where (mostly) heterosexual Caucasian men control what narratives get produced, which actors get cast, and the level of inclusiveness/diversity the film will have (both with casting and production).

Anywho – here are the creators that I came across this week that are creating some really dope comedy AND are trailblazing a more inclusive future: Jay & Sharon, Isaiah Washington, and Sarah Maddack.


Jay & Sharon • 816K followers • @jayandsharon

In a world where the hashtag #couplegoals exists and encourages an overly-produced, overly-Photoshopped idea of a “perfect relationship” that no one could (or should) live up to – we are grateful for comedy accounts like Jay & Sharon that give us the EXACT opposite. Their sketches feature their dates going terribly (yet hilariously) wrong, giving relationship advice that NO ONE SHOULD FOLLOW, and everyday situations that escalate into mild-to-moderate gaslighting and/or infidelity. If these two had a Snapchat show – I’d watch it all day every day.


Isaiah Washington • 435K followers • @relatableisaiah

Isaiah is making the world a better place, one woke joke at a time. He’s incredibly quick-witted, creates content that’s just really f*cking funny, AND seamlessly normalizes talking about mental health, gender-inclusivity, and gender fluidity. Can we have him host something? Please? He’s entertaining and makes me feel safe, and I want everyone to feel that.


Sarah Maddack • 1M followers • @sarahmaddack

Most musicians write about the momentous moments of life: like love, the fragility of life, and other stuff that’ll send you into an existential crisis… Anyway, when I came across Sarah Maddack on TikTok and saw that she was writing songs defending pineapple on pizza, ending the debate on whether milk or cereal goes in the bowl first, and MORE, I realized that the world needed to know. Because of creators like Sarah, we can have songs about both the big parts of life AND weird songs about getting romantically rejected by a refrigerator. When this pandemic ends, can we please just let her produce a Broadway musical? Or just make her a guest on SNL? I NEED MORE OF THIS MUSIC IN MY LIFE – AND SO DO YOU.


Like my TikTok recommendations? Cool. Got better ones? Awesome! If there’s a TikTok account you think FOD should feature, send it my way: kat@funnyordie.com

Follow FOD on TikTok! https://vm.tiktok.com/J2NGVMq/

Also… follow me (the author – hi!) on TikTok! https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJhJse89/

Read all of our TikTok Creator Spotlights! http://funnyordie.com/tiktok-spotlight

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped

The thing about living in lockdown for a year(ish) is somehow having both too much and not enough time. For example, running errands like going to the grocery store or the bank take a whole lot longer than they used to. On the flip side, working from home (and generally just not going anywhere ever) means my 30-minute commute from my apartment to my office has turned into a 3-minute commute from my bed to my table.

(This also means that the 20 minutes I used to spend getting ready each morning has turned into 20 minutes of nothing because who the hell is still putting on actual pants and shirts with, like, buttons, am I right? Am I right? Guys?)

So, what is one to do with an extra 30-50 minutes at the beginning and end of each day? Well I suppose one could get a jump on the dishes, do some laundry. Maybe, say, use this time to start reading more books. Perhaps even pick up a new hobby. I, however, have chosen to fill this time with none of these things and instead use it to answer the dumb questions that rattle around my pea brain while I’m in the shower or waiting for coffee to finish brewing.

Questions like, “What does asparagus look like when it’s growing?”

As a result I can confirm that having too much extra time is a curse, because after almost one year of using it to Google these questions and travel down the subsequent rabbit holes that open, I now know how hundreds of fruits, vegetables, spices, nuts, and the like grow.

And, folks, I wish to god I didn’t.

I’ve learned that some of our most cherished, beloved, even staple produce grow in truly horrific—dare I say offensive—ways. Listen, I don’t enjoy writing about these awful plants, but I’m gonna do it anyway, because if anything can bring us together during this dark period of seclusion and distancing, it’s being absolutely fucking livid about what a complete nightmare Brussels sprouts are.

That being said,


Brussels sprouts

Alright, first of all, the fact that they’re called “Brussels sprouts” is more than enough reason to be pissed off. (If you’re just learning that it’s not “Brussel sprouts” or even “Brussels’ sprouts” right now know that I am sorry and I do feel your pain.) Look, I know that the city is called Brussels, but that’s no fucking excuse for that many S’s. As if that wasn’t bad enough, look at how the fuck these Belgian assholes grow.

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Getty Images/Westend61

Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Brussels sprouts are a type of cabbage. Have you ever seen a cabbage grow like this? With a stalk and leaves at the top? Like we’re cosplaying a goddamn tree? No, because other cabbages have a thing called decency.


Pineapples

You love them, I love them, whether or not they belong on pizza is one of the most important dialogues of the modern age (they don’t), they contain an enzyme called bromelain which breaks down proteins which is why your tongue hurts when you eat it, pineapple is metal as shit! Pineapples kick ass! Except:

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Image is public domain

Pineapple should be renamed because on top of not being an apple nor anything to do with pine, it is, at its core, a goddamn liar. Liarfruit. It should be called Liarfruit. Are you telling me that it doesn’t grow from the leaves on the top? It grows from the fuckin’ bottom? And it does this from a plant that looks like it has no business being associated with it?! What’s the point of the leaves on the top then?? What are the leaves for?! Why do you look like you were just superglued to a random succulent, Liarfruit??!


Artichokes

A lot separates us, but what we can all agree on is artichokes rule. Artichoke hearts, artichoke dip, I don’t care what form they’re in, I’m game. You’d think that a sturdy vegetable like artichokes would be reliable, predictable. They look like succulents, they should grow like succulents, right? WRONG!

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Image is public domain

What reason does a hardy food like an artichoke have to grow at the tippy top of such a thin plant? NONE. Excuse me, sir, are you a dainty goddamn dandelion? No? You’re an artichoke? Then what the fuck.


Artichokes part II

Listen, I also thought I was done being mad about artichokes. Until I discovered this!

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Image is public domain

Artichokes are a flower?! And not just any flower, but a thistle?! So what does this mean, then? Eeyore, the melancholy donkey who lives in a shack doesn’t eat thistles because they’re spiky and evil and that would be on brand for him, but because he has a refined palate and enjoys French greens?!? Get out of here. Get the HELL out.


Papaya

I had always loved papaya because it’s not only delicious but also a bit of a mystery. Are you a melon? Are you a gourd? “Who cares!” I used to think, in my naivety. Who cares? I care, because this is HEINOUS.

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Image is public domain

Neither are they a melon nor a gourd, they are clearly very confused. Papayas are BIG! They’re the same size and density as a butternut squash! Why, why would such a thing grow in CLUSTERS? From the top of a very TALL, very thin TREE?! This is a HAZARD. They don’t even look happy there! This is wrong, they KNOW it’s wrong, and it should not be allowed to continue.


Asparagus

If we’re being honest with ourselves, asparagus is… fine. It’s okay. There are so many different ways to cook asparagus and, unlike potatoes, that’s because none of them are really that great. It’s just not a remarkable food! So, I don’t really know what I expected from asparagus, but it wasn’t this.

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Getty Images/iStockphoto

I’m so disappointed. I honestly didn’t think I could be more disappointed in asparagus, and then I found out it grows like this. It grows the way you stick your asparagus into mashed potatoes as a kid to make them look cool and avoid eating them at the same time. I’m just not getting any kind of flair or enthusiasm from you, asparagus, and maybe that’s why you’re not very good. Something to think about.


Pitaya / Dragon fruit

Dragon fruit is fucking beautiful. Stunning. A work of art. It’s soft and pliable, pink and green on the outside, and then like the La Croix of kiwis on the inside. Also, it’s called motherfucking dragon fruit. Too bad just like actual dragons, this fruit would be cool if it wasn’t a FAKE BITCH.

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Getty Images/iStockphoto

No. Nope. Absolutely not. I REFUSE to believe that DRAGON FRUIT-SLASH-PITAYA, one of the most ELITE fruits, grow at the end of these gangly, floppy succulent tree arms, like a fucking tumor, like somebody tried to decorate a sad cactus on a budget, like their goal was to turn the “whomp-whomp” sound effect into a plant. NUH UH.


Broccoli

If there’s any vegetable that I, you, and probably the rest of the country feels like we should be able to depend on, it’s broccoli. It had always been a vegetable of truth and dignity. It was a vegetable that said, “This is me, exactly as I am. No rind, no weird plant hairs (looking at you, corn), just equal parts hardy stalk and fun little branch things.” But we have been duped.

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Getty Images/iStockphoto

To hell with all of this. Like Brussels sprouts, broccoli is a relative of the cabbage, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned about cabbages today it’s that they cannot be trusted. Not only is the broccoli “crown” (what a self righteous asshole) without a doubt the least impressive part of this whole operation, the plants grow to around two-and-a-half-feet-tall. Which is the size of the average toddler. Why would you deceive us like this, broccoli?! You wear a crown of LIES.


Cashew

I don’t know a lot about nuts. I know that coconuts are actually berries (fuck that), peanuts grow underground, and that the rest of the nuts, for the most part, are “tree nuts”. Now, I don’t make the rules. But I do believe there should be some fucking order to this. Walnuts, hazelnuts, Brazil nuts, pistachios, what all these tree nuts have in common is that they come from inside a pod that grows on a tree, as is right and just. Then there’s THIS fucking guy.

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Getty Images/iStockphoto

What the fuck. What the FUCK. Cashews, those sick bastards, grow from the very bottom of this… this bell pepper imposter, on the OUTSIDE, and then call themselves tree nuts? The audacity. The GALL. Do they think they’re tree nuts because they look like some comical, tiny dick-and-balls?! Are they tree “NUTS”?! Is this all just one big JOKE TO YOU?!


Davidson Plum

Plums grow on trees. We know this. Since the Davidson plum does, in fact, grow on a tree, you’d think that it’d be impossible to be mad about this fruit. And yet!

The Way These 10 Plants Grow Is An Insult To God And They Must Be Stopped Image is public domain

I’m so— I’m so tired. In a fair world, in a world where good prevails over evil, we would have global peace and Davidson plums would grow from the branches of trees. But we don’t live in a fair and good world. We live in hell, and in hell Davidson plums are allowed to sprout out of the goddamn trunk. God is gone.


Click here to donate to the National Farmers Union

Treat time temptations

 Who placed their bets on Lana as first to venture out of the pen? (I did)

Backstory: Fed them their greens dinner and left the gate open. Sat on the floor nearby, which still freaks them. After dinner, sat in my usual place but left the gate open.
Before bed, I got the box of treats, which I have broken into smaller pieces. They get half a cookie a day, but now it’s broken into 3 or 4 bites.
I got on the floor far from the open gate. I had their curiosity.
Then I rattled the treat container. Now I had their attention. (Django reference)
Basically, I shot marbles with the pieces, but far from the gate. Lana was the first to come out enough to get treats and then explored a little, even looking in on her fenced mates from a new angle. She explored enough to chin the entrance to the fun house and peek inside.
Treat time temptations

Clark stepped onto their “doormat”, then ran back to his comfort zone, putting the fence between us. He begged for his piece though the fence and he looks so cute, I caved. (Translation: I can’t resist his soulful puppy eyes.)

Treat time temptations

Then Lois chased him down to try to take it away from him.

Lois ventured out onto the mat, but never as far as Lana. She’s in constant motion so I will have to try harder to take non-blurry pictures of her.
Treat time temptations
Bunnies…

History of Swear Words: Big Nic Energy [NOW STREAMING ON NETFLIX]

History of Swear Words: Big Nic Energy [NOW STREAMING ON NETFLIX]

History of Swear Words is now on Netflix! WATCH NOW!

Friends, come with us on a journey through some of the most important words in the English language:

Fuck, Shit, Bitch, Dick, Pussy, and Damn.

This January, we’ll explore the fascinating history of these grand expletives in our new series, aptly named History of Swear Words, with the help of Oscar-winner and top tier screamer of curse words Nicolas Cage as our host. Produced by B17 Entertainment and Funny Or Die (hey that’s us!), the series will dive into each of these words through interviews with experts in etymology, pop culture, historians and entertainers.

Special guests include Joel Kim Booster, DeRay Davis, Open Mike Eagle, Nikki Glaser, Patti Harrison, London Hughes, Jim Jefferies, Zainab Johnson, Nick Offerman, Sarah Silverman, Isiah Whitlock Jr., and Baron Vaughn. The experts on words include Benjamin Bergen (PhD, Cognitive Scientist, Author of What The F), Anne Charity Hudley (PHD, Linguist and Educator), Mireille Miller-Young (PhD, Professor of Feminist Studies), Elvis Mitchell (Film Critic/Host of The Treatment on KCRW), Melissa Mohr (PhD, Author of Holy Sh*t: A Brief History of Swearing), and Kory Stamper (Lexicographer, Author Of Word By Word).

Trust us, this is a history lesson you’re not going to want to miss.

History of Swear Words is now on Netflix! WATCH NOW!


Nicolas Cage’s History Of Swear Words | Coming January 5

[embedded content]

History of Swear Words: Big Nic Energy [EXCLUSIVE CLIP]

History of Swear Words: Big Nic Energy [EXCLUSIVE CLIP]

Friends, come with us on a journey through some of the most important words in the English language:

Fuck, Shit, Bitch, Dick, Pussy, and Damn.

This January, we’ll explore the fascinating history of these grand expletives in our new series, aptly named History of Swear Words, with the help of Oscar-winner and top tier screamer of curse words Nicolas Cage as our host. Produced by B17 Entertainment and Funny Or Die (hey that’s us!), the series will dive into each of these words through interviews with experts in etymology, pop culture, historians and entertainers.

Special guests include Joel Kim Booster, DeRay Davis, Open Mike Eagle, Nikki Glaser, Patti Harrison, London Hughes, Jim Jefferies, Zainab Johnson, Nick Offerman, Sarah Silverman, Isiah Whitlock Jr., and Baron Vaughn. The experts on words include Benjamin Bergen (PhD, Cognitive Scientist, Author of What The F), Anne Charity Hudley (PHD, Linguist and Educator), Mireille Miller-Young (PhD, Professor of Feminist Studies), Elvis Mitchell (Film Critic/Host of The Treatment on KCRW), Melissa Mohr (PhD, Author of Holy Sh*t: A Brief History of Swearing), and Kory Stamper (Lexicographer, Author Of Word By Word).

Trust us, this is a history lesson you’re not going to want to miss.

History of Swear Words arrives on Netflix January 5, 2021.


Nicolas Cage’s History Of Swear Words | Coming January 5

[embedded content]

The Fosters Three

Last weekend, we picked up three shelter bunnies to foster. They are siblings, two girls and a boy, somewhere around 1-1/2 years old.

They don’t know their shelter names and I couldn’t recall them either – I couldn’t associate them with anything. For now, they are Lois, Lana and Clark. That can be revisited if I make it to teaching them their names; currently, it just gives DrMrsBunnyMom and I a reference so we know about whom we are speaking.

They are very skittish. At first, my standing up from my recliner would scatter them into regions unseen. I’m moving slower now. To get used to the smells and sounds, and to give them a feeling for a safe place, they are limited to their pen. I hope they will want to free-range some, soon.

GHRS provides very specific instructions for meals and treats (what, how much, within what time frames – very helpful… I’m sure they weren’t serious about so few treats). Here’s them tucking into their greens dinner. About 16 seconds in, there’s a brief “Lady & the Tramp” moment between Lois & Clark.

Tried to expand their horizons last night by offering them a treat – outside their pen. They all positioned themselves like this picture of Lana – low to the ground and stretched out, like they were trying to keep one foot on first base while planning to steal second.

Each one ventured a little ways out but only Miss Lana dared to go so far as to snatch her Probios – and then dashed back inside the pen. When she reappeared with Lois, they were both munching, so we’re pretty sure Lois helped herself when Lana was working on her piece.

Clark stepped on their doormat, but retreated to beg for his piece to be handed to him through the fence. We complied. Couldn’t resist the pitiful begging eyes.

Then Lois snatched some of his. Lana and Clark got to eat only a half of their portion because Lois snatched half of each of theirs, making her the only one who got a full portion. Tried to give half of Lois’s treat to each of Clark and Lana, but they were played out.

If we measure bravery solely by how far out of the pen they ventured: 1. Lana 2. Lois 3. Clark

Patience… grant me patience – now, dammit! 

The Fosters Three
Lana scoring her treat.

Morning in the movies vs real life Funny Meme

Morning in the movies vs real life Funny Meme
Morning in the movies vs morning in real life Funny Meme

More from my site

Took me 5 secs to understand Funny Meme

Took me 5 secs to understand Funny Meme
Took me 5 secs to understand Funny Meme

More from my site

Happy New Year! (+ some bunny care)

 New Year’s reminder:

Bunnies do NOT like fireworks.

It stresses them just like other sudden and/or loud noises.

If your bunny’s neighborhood is firecracker noisy, keep the buns cool and quiet.
Close the windows and doors. Close the blinds to reduce flashes.

If needed to “cover” firecracker noise, play music – peaceful, easy listening (not loud).

Think elevator music. No hair bands or hare bands. Stay away from 1812 Overture.
Your TV service might even have a suitable channel in its lineup – you just never tune to those channels. We have an air filter that runs all the time and provides a white noise background.
If you do not already have boxes for them to play on and in, get some plain cardboard boxes (not slick or a lot of ink/color; no staples, labels or tape). Cut at least two openings in each box big enough for your bunny to get in and out … they can hide in them, to further mute the noise and feel a little safer.

Keep them company and reassure them that everything’s okay. Pet them if they are the petting kind of bunnies. Have a couple of healthy treats handy.

Found this from Oxbow
Happy New Year! (+ some bunny care)

Wishing everyone a safe, happy, and healthy New Year!

Also, be kind to each other next year. And beyond.

Be kind to all pets and animals, too. (But especially bunnies.)

2019 Coca-Cola vs 2020 Pfizer Funny Meme

2019 Coca-Cola vs 2020 Pfizer Funny Meme
2019 Coca-Cola vs 2020 Pfizer Funny Meme

More from my site

2020 Sketches That Kept Us Going

2020 Sketches That Kept Us Going

Well, here we are, the end of December, another year has come and gone. There were highs, there were lows, and lows, and lows, and there were even more lows. I don’t know where you’re from or what exactly your year entailed, but what I do know, and what we can all agree on as absolute fact, is 2020 sucked. Like, it fucking suuuuuuucked, dude. Remember when we all thought 2016 was the worst year? HA! If only, am I right?

Fortunately, this year was also peppered with some truly wonderful comedy. Whether providing commentary and criticism on the slew of political failings, satirical looks at life in quarantine, or blissful moments of escape from anything to do with the pandemic, comedians and creators in the digital sphere have played a huge role in keeping our spirits up and keeping us sane by keeping us laughing.

This is by no means a complete list, because there’s just been too much great shit created this past year for one writer (me) to mention and for one person (you) to be bombarded with in one article. These are twenty sketches and videos that made this complete nightmare of a year brighter for us and we wanted to share with all of you, so that we can bid good-fucking-bye to 2020 in a way we all deserve: with a shit ton of laughs.


Conservative Lecturer

Jeremy Levick and Rajat Suresh nail everything about right-wing pundits and mouthpieces to such a scarily perfect degree that even Ben Shapiro would be like, “This is my type of guy right here”


Real Aliens

Jeff Wright not only answers the question, “What would meeting aliens actually be like?” But also, “What if aliens also had perfect comedic timing?”


Vote Counter

Meg Stalter embodies the kind of vote counter the Trump administration has been trying for months to prove exists, and it’s honestly a little shocking they didn’t try to use this sketch as video evidence in court


Ending a Zoom Call

Niccole Thurman forces us to face the devastating reality that, yes, this is what we all look like when we’re trying to end a video conference and, yes, we all look dumb as shit


White Celebrity Activism

Caleb Hearon gives us everything that white A-list celebrities have throughout this horrible pandemic: absolutely nothing!


A Black Person Maintaining a “Professional Demeanor” After Racist Bullshit

Pro tip, if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of what Ryan Ken is delivering here, you need to figure out what the fuck racist bullshit you just spewed, apologize, and then mute yourself for the rest of the call for everyone’s sake


MY WIFE

This sketch by Haley Kosan has everything. Intrigue, suspense, and most importantly, commitment to the bit


… Meatier?!

Eliza Petersen shows how the dinosaurs were really wiped out and the importance of getting everything in writing


Four Seasons Total Landscaping

The country has been dying to know how exactly Rudy Giuliani’s infamous (and disastrous) press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping (and not the hotel) came to be, and while we may never know for sure, Christine Nangle’s guess is probably pretty close


No USPS is Good, Actually

Eva Victor walks us through the kind of batshit mental gymnastics the GOP and its staunch supporters went through to justify gutting the United States Postal Service. You should stretch beforehand


Getting Shwasted at Virtual Happy Hour

Did we feature Ryan Ken in this roundup twice? Yes! Because he deserves it! This is a masterclass in how to act drunk while sober, but unfortunately what we all need is a masterclass in how to act sober while sloshed over Zoom


Super Platonic Recipe

Although this is just a sketch, Grace Kuhlenschmidt has proved that there is not near enough deeply personal and uncomfortable interactions involved in Tik Tok cooking videos


The Straight Wedding Best Man

This is supposed to be satire, but we would be lying if we all didn’t admit to ourselves that we have all heard this exact best man speech. The only thing Caleb Hearon included that’s actually far-fetched is the TV remote microphone. (Far-fetched but not impossible)


Boston Moms Talk Black Friday

I know Alyssa Limperis’ New England mom is just a character but listen, she’s real to me, and it was a goddamn delight to be witness to her holiday talk with fellow certified Boston mom Chelsea Frei. Hey, just because there’s a pandemic doesn’t mean there ain’t a lot of stuff goin’ on


We All Slept on Klobuchar

Chris Fleming proves two things, 1. Politicians should all have wine bottles strapped to their hands because it’s just easier to become captivated by what they’re saying, and 2. He should be Amy Klobuchar. Thank you, Senator


Tried Telling My Roommates I Have COVID

Hey, man, who among us hasn’t been in the awkward position of trying to break some less-than-cool news to your roommates. Martin Herlihy shows that even the news that you’ve tested positive for a deadly infectious disease during a pandemic can be handled the same way as anything else! By nervous laughter and being as passive as possible. (Just kidding do not do this, no one is saying to do this)


THE COVID SHUFFLE

You know what this pandemic calls for? A super fun parody theme song and the crushing weight of trying to sustain your own housing! Cole Hersch gets it


Liberal Politicians Having Fun Online

Is Kylie Brakeman an actual politician? No, but the way she has completely mastered the emphatic clapping-after-every-word and feigning outrage instead of actually doing anything honestly had me fooled


FaceTiming with OJ Simpson

Steven Castillo does the impossible here, which is taking a twitter video from OJ Simpson trying to weigh in on topical shit like true crime doc-series without a hint of irony and not only make them palatable, but funny as hell


Dancer Boy

[embedded content]

Parker Seaman takes us on one man’s journey to become an elite dancer after taking his friend’s lighthearted criticism of his moves way, way too much to heart

How To Be A Jerk To Yourself w/ Amanda Cerny (Lesson 8)


How To Be A Jerk To Yourself w/ Amanda Cerny (Lesson 8)
How To Be A Jerk To Yourself w/ Amanda Cerny (Lesson 8)

1.

BE EXTREMELY CRITICAL OF YOURSELF

Look yourself in the mirror and judge the way you look. Start with a completely unrealistic set of expectations and standards for yourself. A skilled jerk will find super-specific problem areas that you can obsess over that nobody will even notice or care about.

Note: it’s important to be a jerk to yourself on purpose. If it’s happening uncontrollably, it could be a totally different thing, like a disorder being a jerk to you. Get professional help, regain control, and be a jerk to yourself on purpose.

How To Be A Jerk To Yourself w/ Amanda Cerny (Lesson 8)
How To Be A Jerk To Yourself w/ Amanda Cerny (Lesson 8)

2.

TELL YOUR HEALTH TO F*CK OFF

Eat a lot of carbs and sugar, whatever tastes good, however much you want, anytime. Experts say sitting is linked to cancer, heart disease, and diabetes, and even depression – so be sure to NOT exercise or walk or even get up from whatever seat you’re in right now. If you’re privileged enough to have healthcare in this society run by a bunch of jerks, don’t use it!! If you don’t bother to go to the doctor, the dentist, or even the eye doctor, you can play your own game of wellness roulette. Who knows what diseases you could be developing right now? A true jerk has no idea.

How To Be A Jerk To Yourself w/ Amanda Cerny (Lesson 8)
How To Be A Jerk To Yourself w/ Amanda Cerny (Lesson 8)

3.

DESTROY YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Define yourself by failure: start by focusing only on things that have gone poorly in your life, tell yourself you’ve learned nothing from these moments, and go forward and repeat those same mistakes over and over!

Tell yourself how incompetent you are every day. This will help kill any motivation you may have to improve yourself. Only think about your least successful moments in life and use that to justify a complete lack of faith in yourself.

But what if you have an obvious track record of success? Just tell yourself that your success really comes from your narcissistic need to serve your own ego, thereby invalidating any actual good you’ve ever done and making you more prone to toxic and unhealthy behaviors!

How To Be A Jerk To Yourself w/ Amanda Cerny (Lesson 8)
How To Be A Jerk To Yourself w/ Amanda Cerny (Lesson 8)

Well, that completes this course. Now you know how to be a jerk to yourself and throughout your life as a whole. Now go out there and spread this toxic behavior throughout the world!!


CREDITS

Starring:

Amanda Cerny

Created by:

Darren Miller

Written by:

Darren Miller

Tamara Yajia

Directed by:

Eleanor Giblet

Executive Producers:

Darren Miller

Tamara Yajia

Producer:

Carly Reeve

Cast:

Amanda Cerny (Brie Summers)

Crew:

Michelle Akeley- 1st AD

Kevin Cardoni- Production Manager

Marla Black- Production Coordinator

Noa Skikne- Production Assistant

Anna Asher- Script Supervisor

Arlene Muller- Director of Photography

Kalea Calloway- Camera Operator

Minami Moriyama- 1st Assistant Camera

Moses Okunoren- Camera PA

Marizo Siller- Gaffer

Phil Gardner- Key Grip

Caitlin Williams- Production Designer

Ed Raines- Set Dresser

Layla Kornota- Prop Master

Samantha Crainich- Art PA

Wade Vanover- Construction

Jessica Leigh Schwartz- Hair & Make Up Artist

Alison Holmes- Costumer

Nial Morgan- Sound Mixer

Jen Freeman- COVID-19 Compliance Officer

Joshua Rathmell- Editor

Andrew Jewell – Keying Editor

Bryan Weider- Animator & Graphics

Paul Smith- Animator & Graphics

Kristopher Wile- Animator

Head of Physical Production, FOD- Jim Ziegler

Head of Post Production, FOD- Phil Loeb

Manager, Post Production, FOD- Cody Pereira

Mom Telling People I Can Fix Phones Funny Meme

Mom Telling People I Can Fix Phones Funny Meme
My Mom Telling People I Can Fix Phones after I only set up her email Funny Meme

More from my site

A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left Funny Meme

A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left Funny Meme
A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left Funny Meme

More from my site

Same Dress as your Dad Funny Meme

Same Dress as your Dad Funny Meme
When you show up to the club in the same dress as your dad Funny Meme

More from my site